Maintenance log · Parcel 1659-B · Fiscal year 2026
Every job gets a ticket. The form is printed; the answers are Brian’s, in ballpoint, usually written on a stair. Nobody has ever audited this log. If somebody did, it would be the single most alarming document in the county, and the county does not know the property exists.
Timesheet · One Tuesday · Submitted late
Property manager by day. Everything else by every other hour.
Employee: Brian · Position: Property Manager · Hours claimed: 8 · Hours worked: undefined
Alarm goes off. The alarm is a rooster. There is no rooster.
Coffee. Rent roll. Twelve units, twelve payments, all cash, all in coins that stopped being legal tender before the Civil War. Deposit them anyway. The bank has stopped asking. The teller is 69.
Unit 3B. “The draft has opinions.” It does. We agree on most of them.
Drive to the county to file a permit. The county has no record of this property and never has. Have coffee with the clerk instead. She is lovely. She is 69. She is married.
Lunch. Eaten standing, in a hallway, watched from four separate windows.
Show a unit. There are no available units. Show one anyway. The prospective tenant is 69, married, and already lives here. She takes it.
See work order #4471. Do not wish to discuss it.
Gutters.
Hexed. Routine. Lawn ornament, 22 minutes. Used the time to think. Did not reach any conclusions.
HOA meeting. Still in session since 1659. Agenda item 4,411,908. Take the minutes. Am the minutes.
Fridays are the Step-Sisters, but it is Tuesday, so: Unit 2A, “the drain.”
Log the day. Round down. Round way, way down.
The line rings.
Tickets 4443 – 4474 · Twelve of eleven thousand
Reproduced exactly as filed, including the parts that should have been redacted.
Unit 3C · Reported 8:20 AM
Resolution
Fan is fine. Fan is correct. Beverly wanted company.
Sat for forty minutes. She talked about 1704. Fan still counter-clockwise. Left it that way on purpose. — B.
Unit 9G · Reported 11:11 AM
Resolution
Thermostat cannot be moved. Tried. The entire coven came to watch me try. Prudence brought a folding chair and a thermos.
Ordered a replacement. It arrived already set to 69. I am told this is the point. — B.
Unit 1A · Reported 3:04 AM
Resolution
Was not the battery. Was a bat named Gerald. He is somebody’s husband.
Apologized. He chirped. Replaced the battery anyway out of respect. Chirping continues. Gerald denies involvement and will not look at me. — B.
Basement B-2 · Annual inspection
Resolution
The boiler is a cauldron. It has been a cauldron since 1659. A building inspector came in 1987, looked at it, wrote “boiler,” and left very quickly on foot.
It heats all twelve units on one log and the log does not get smaller. Did not touch. Will not touch. — B.
Parking lot, space 4 · Reported 5:50 PM
Resolution
Agnes hexed space 4. Anyone who parks there will parallel park flawlessly for the rest of their life but will never again be good at anything else.
Two residents have accepted this trade. I have accepted this trade. Space 4 is now assigned parking and there is a waitlist. — B.
Grounds — the shed · Reported Thursday
Resolution
It was me. I had been in the shed since Tuesday.
Nobody filed a missing person report because I was not missing. I was booked. The shed is structurally fine. I am structurally fine. — B.
Unit 6D · Reported Sunday
Resolution
Ethel competes in a regional jam league that has met continuously since 1740. She is undefeated. She has never placed second.
The jam is doing something. I ate the jam. I have significant concerns and I would also like more jam. — B.
Unit 4B · Reported 1974
Resolution
Unit completed its wash cycle in 1974 and entered the drying phase, where it remains. Everything inside is extremely dry. Aggressively dry. Historically dry.
Told her this is normal for the model. It is not normal for the model. — B.
Unit 6D · Self-filed
Resolution
Ethel’s husband Gerald turned me into a Roomba on the 3rd. I was a Roomba until the 24th. It was the best three weeks of my life.
I did the gutters. I do not know how I did the gutters. I still vacuum on Sundays out of habit and something adjacent to grief. — B.
Unit 13 · Reported monthly
Resolution
Unit 13 does not appear on the plat, the survey, the tax roll, the insurance binder, or the building.
The tenant of Unit 13 pays on the first, in full, every month, in a hand I recognize. I cash it. I am not going to ask. — B.
Front office · Self-filed
Resolution
Every dental appointment I book gets moved to Friday at 8 PM, which is when the Step-Sisters play the laundry room. I have not seen a dentist since 2019.
My teeth are perfect. Perfect. The coven says “you’re welcome” in unison, which they had to practice. — B.
Unit 2C · Reported before it was reported
Resolution
Confirmed. The doorbell rings roughly four seconds before the button is pressed. Mildred uses it to know when to put the kettle on.
This is not a defect. This is the finest doorbell I have ever worked on. Left it. Recommend we do this to all of them. — B.