A young man walks into the bog to read a water meter. The meeting is called to order at 4:12 PM. It is not adjourned at any point thereafter. The water meter is never read. It is still out there. It is still running.
Called to order 1659 · Never adjourned · Agenda item 4,411,908
Minutes of the association
The Peggin’ Witches homeowners’ association has been in continuous session for 367 years. There has never been a motion to adjourn. There has been one motion to consider a motion to adjourn; it was tabled, and the table is still up. Brian is the secretary. Brian became the secretary because nobody else raised a hand, and now Brian cannot leave.
Session summary
Quorum: yes · It is always yes
1659Called to order
0Times adjourned
4,411,908Current agenda item
1Secretary, unwilling
The record · Abridged · Very abridged
Three hundred and sixty-seven years
The full minutes run to eleven thousand pages. These are the parts people ask about.
1659
1663
The waitlist is opened for prospective tenants. Twelve units, zero vacancies, indefinitely. Nobody has ever come off the waitlist. The waitlist now holds its own meeting, on Thursdays, which Brian also attends.
1691
Beverly Wormwood turns sixty-nine. Motion to congratulate her. Carried. Motion is re-entered every year thereafter, identically, and carries every time. Beverly has never turned seventy and declines to elaborate.
1692
Salem happens. The association notes for the record that its members were in Vermont, that they have receipts, that Vermont was not technically Vermont yet, and that they would very much appreciate this not coming up at every subsequent meeting. It comes up at every subsequent meeting.
1704
Beverly dies. Beverly attends the meeting. No procedural objection is raised, because the bylaws are silent on the matter and because she brought a casserole.
1712
Barb Threshole and Barb Threshole step on the same rake at the same instant. The Peggin’ Step-Sisters are formed. First set played that Friday in the laundry room. Motion to make it a standing amenity. Carried unanimously, including the rake.
1776
Brian is pegged during the signing of an important document. Not that one. A different one. A permit, for a fence, which was denied.
1793
Brian’s birthday coin ceases to be legal tender. He is informed. He keeps it anyway. Motion to buy him a replacement coin. Fails 11–1; the one is Brian, who does not want a replacement coin.
1804
The mug is given. WORLD’S OKAYEST WARLOCK. He explains, at length, that he is not a warlock. The explanation is entered into the record and then ignored, annually, for 222 years.
1891
First recorded use of the phrase “he cannot get enough” in the official minutes, in reference to the property manager and the married membership. Motion to strike from the record. Motion fails 11–1. The one is Brian, who votes to strike out of politeness rather than conviction, and who then hand-letters the phrase into the index.
1969
The minutes for this year consist entirely of the number, circled twice, and the word “nice” in a hand that twelve members have each individually denied.
1974
The Unit 4B dishwasher enters its drying cycle. Ongoing. Referred to maintenance. Maintenance is Brian.
1987
The association discovers property management as a legal structure and adopts it immediately and retroactively. Brian is hired for all 328 preceding years in a single vote. Back pay is approved in principle. Back pay is not approved in practice. He has stopped raising it. It is still on the agenda, at item 12.
1994
The rake is returned to Brian. No note. The minutes record only: “He knew what it was.”
2011
Gerald (2C) becomes a bat and takes up residence inside the Unit 1A smoke detector. All 3 AM maintenance calls from this date forward are attributed to him. He denies this at every meeting, in chirps, which Brian has learned to transcribe.
2026
Brian turns twenty-five for the 367th time on February 5th. Motion for a smaller cake, raised by the honouree. Fails. It has never once carried. Members note, for the record, that he has never actually wanted it to.
Standing motions · Carried · Permanent
Still in force
Motions carried and never rescinded
Bylaws of Peggin’ Witches · 900 pages · Binder in the front office
- Motion 1 (1659). That this meeting shall not adjourn. Carried 12–0.
- Motion 9 (1663). That the waitlist shall remain open and shall never move. Carried.
- Motion 41 (1712). That Friday at eight belongs to the Step-Sisters, in perpetuity, across all calendars, including ones not yet invented. Carried.
- Motion 2,308 (1891). That the phrase remains in the record. Carried 11–1.
- Motion 900,004 (1987). That the property manager is retained. Carried, and re-carried every year since, unanimously, without discussion, in under four seconds.
- Motion 4,411,908 (pending). A smaller cake. Under discussion. Discussion has lasted 367 years and shows no sign of concluding.
Minutes taken by me, checked by me, disputed by everyone, filed anyway. — B.
Grievances filed by the public · Answered at meeting
Frequently filed grievances
Anyone may file. Everyone does. These are the recurring ones.
Is Brian okay?
No. Next grievance.
How is Brian twenty-five if this started in 1659?
He turned twenty-five in 1659 and has not turned twenty-six. Twenty-six was booked. It is still booked. Ownership considers this closed; the full explanation is in his personnel file.
Are the tenants consenting adults?
They are sixty-nine years old and have been for upwards of three hundred years. They own the building, chair the meeting, hold the lease, write the bylaws, and conduct Brian’s annual performance review. By any measure available to this association they are the most adult people in the county. Consent has never been the open question here. Rent is the open question here, and even that is current.
Why property management, of all things?
Because somebody has to go down to the basement and look at the water heater, and nobody else was ever going to. See also: Aquarius.
Can I join the association?
Applications are accepted. Requirements: you must be sixty-nine, you must be married to a Gerald, and you must own a casserole dish you are willing to lose track of for six to eight months. Meeting attendance is mandatory and the meeting never ends.
Is there a waitlist for a unit?
Yes. It opened in 1663. Nobody has ever come off it, because nobody has ever left a unit, because there is no procedure for leaving a unit and drafting one is agenda item 900,112. The waitlist now holds its own separate meeting on Thursdays. You are welcome at that one too.
Who lives in Unit 13?
Unit 13 is not on the plat, the survey, the tax roll, or the building. Rent for Unit 13 arrives on the first of the month, in full, in a hand Brian recognises. This is not on the agenda and there is no motion to put it on the agenda.
What is in the bog?
The bog is not on the agenda.
Why is everything sixty-nine?
Ownership considers this question answered.
Can I book the laundry room?
Fridays at eight are taken, permanently, by motion 41 of 1712, across all calendars including ones not yet invented. Any other time is fine. Nobody ever asks for any other time.