Rent roll · Twelve of twelve occupied · Since 1659
Every unit is occupied. Every tenant is sixty-nine years old. Every tenant is married. Every husband is named Gerald. Management has raised all three of these facts at meetings and has been told, politely, that they are not facts, they are the arrangement.
| Unit | Tenant | Age | Resident since | Spouse | Known for |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1A | Winifred Sumpwater | 69 | 1659 | Gerald (retired) | Can make any smoke detector chirp from another county |
| 2A | Agnes Blackthistle | 69 | 1659 | Gerald (a scarecrow, technically) | Parking hexes. Signs only in blood. Owns the building. |
| 2C | Mildred “Two-Broom” Quicklime | 69 | 1661 | Gerald (currently a bat) | A doorbell that rings four seconds early |
| 3B | Hesper Tallowmoor | 69 | 1688 | Gerald (HVAC) | A draft with strongly held opinions |
| 3C | Beverly Wormwood | 69 | 1691 | Gerald (deceased, still on the lease) | Has been 69 since 1691 and declines to elaborate |
| 4B | Doreen Marrowfang | 69 | 1704 | Gerald (Gerald) | Casseroles. Doors that are also appliances. |
| 4F | Cordelia Grimewick | 69 | 1801 | Gerald (bog liaison) | Knows what the bog wants. Will not say. |
| 6D | Ethel Nightcrust | 69 | 1740 | Gerald (turns people into Roombas) | Undefeated in competitive jam since 1740 |
| 7A | Barb Threshole | 69 | 1712 | Gerald (banjo-adjacent) | Banjo. One half of the Peggin’ Step-Sisters. |
| 7B | Barb Threshole | 69 | 1712 | Gerald (a different Gerald, also named Gerald) | Fiddle. The other half. Do not mix them up. |
| 9G | Prudence Ashgrove | 69 | 1688 | Gerald (folding chairs) | A thermostat that will not leave 69 |
| 13 | — | 69, presumably | — | — | Pays on the first, in full, in a hand Brian recognizes |
Standing amenity · Laundry room · Fridays, 8 PM
The house band. Two Barbs. One rake.
Barb Threshole (banjo, 7A) · Barb Threshole (fiddle, 7B) · Est. 1712 · Still touring the laundry room
On the morning of 4 May 1712, two women who were not related stepped on the same rake at the same instant. The rake came up. Both were struck. Both said the identical word. They have been spiritually fused ever since, and they have been step-sisters ever since, because that is what happened, and because they refuse to explain it any other way.
They play the laundry room every Friday at eight. The set is entirely murder ballads with the murders taken out, which leaves mostly weather and regret. The acoustics in there are unbelievable. Nobody knows why. Nobody has asked.
There is a standing noise complaint filed against them every week by all twelve tenants. The complaint is that they are too good. It is filed, reviewed, and marked no action. Attendance is mandatory in the sense that everyone goes.
The rake is still out there somewhere. I’ve looked. — B.
Occupant addendum · Spouses · All named Gerald
Twelve husbands. One name. Management has asked whether this is a coincidence and has been told it is “more of a policy.”
Spouse file · Unit 2A
Note
Nicest one. Waves when I do the gutters. Hexed me once, apologized after, brought a pie. The pie was also a hex but a smaller one. — B.
Spouse file · Unit 6D
Note
Turned me into a Roomba for three weeks. See ticket #4443. Honestly? Restful. I have thought about asking him to do it again. I have thought about it a lot. — B.
Spouse file · Unit 2C
Note
Lives in the 1A smoke detector. Has been the cause of every 3 AM call since 2011. Denies it. Will not make eye contact. We both know. — B.