Peggin' Witches

Form 1659-E · Sub-grade egress drill · Annual, mandatory, unpaid

Escape the Dungeon

A workplace safety training simulation, filed by ownership, required of all maintenance staff. Staff is one (1) person. Twelve sub-grade floors. Collect the work orders on the way down — they are technically already assigned to you. On B-12 there is a tenant who is not in danger, has never been in danger, and has asked that this be reflected in the record.

FloorB–1
Score0
Streak×1
Clock0:00
Hexed0
Best—

Escape the Dungeon is a canvas platform game. Brian, the property manager, descends twelve basement floors of a twelve-unit property on a bog, dodging hexing husbands (all named Gerald), patrolling brooms, hexed parking spaces and garbage disposals, and collecting work orders, until he reaches Ashelen on B-12, who is fine, who has always been fine, and who hands him a baby that immediately turns into a shih tzu. Your browser does not support the canvas element, so the drill cannot run here. The plot is above; consider yourself trained.

Egress drill · B-1 through B-12

Begin the drill

Arrows or A/D to walk. Up, W or Space to jump. Down drops through boards. R restarts the floor. Anything pink hexes you.

Work order #1659-E — egress drill

To: Maintenance (Brian) · From: Ownership (also the tenants) · Priority: Annual

Staff will proceed from B-1 to B-12 without being hexed. Ownership acknowledges that being hexed is not, strictly, an injury, and has stopped accepting the paperwork.

  1. Work orders are scattered through the sub-grade. Each one collected raises your streak. The streak is the whole point.
  2. Work orders bank only when you reach the stairwell. Get hexed and the floor's takings, and your streak, go back in the bin.
  3. Every floor has a par time. Beat it for a bonus. Ownership does not know what a par time is and has one anyway.
  4. Anything glowing pink is a hex. Anything glowing green holds your weight.

Filed. Read it. Doing it anyway. — B.

Maintenance procedure — controls

Posted at the stairhead · Laminated · Ignored

  1. Left / Right — arrow keys, or A and D. Walk.
  2. Jump — Up, W, or Space. Hold for height, tap for a hop.
  3. Drop — Down or S while stood on a board. Goes through the board.
  4. Restart floor — R. Instant. No confirmation. Ownership deleted the confirmation because Brian kept reading it.
  5. Pause — P or Esc, or look away. Sound is M, and it starts off.
  6. Touch — on-screen buttons appear under the frame on phones and tablets.

Hazards, in the order the drill introduces them: the bog, a Gerald, a patrolling broom, a hexed parking space, a garbage disposal that is arguably a door, a cauldron (safe, springy), a Gerald with a wand, boards rated for one Brian, and a maintenance cart on a schedule nobody has seen.

Drill statistics · Compiled by Brian · In pen · Wrongly

The numbers on the drill

Ownership requires that the simulation be audited annually. It never has been. These figures are taken from the simulation itself, which is also not audited, by anyone, ever.

Ledger — Form 1659-E Signed: B. · Countersigned: B., again
12Sub-grade floors, B-1 to B-12
9Hazard classes, all of them married
1Tenant at the bottom, entirely fine
0Rescues actually performed, ever
The real basements The real work orders
Pegged today by — sixty-nine-year-old witches · as of —