Peggin' Witches

Thistledown Assisted Living · Unit 3 · Tuesday nights, main room

Lynn

Thistledown is the other property Brian manages. Assisted living. No resident has ever required assistance. Lynn runs the bingo. Lynn runs the bingo the way certain families run certain neighbourhoods: one ledger, one caller, one set of house rules, and an exchange rate that only moves in one direction.

She is unfailingly polite. She has never raised her voice. Management owes her an amount of money he will not name, has been working it off since 1988, and the balance has gone up every single year.

Account: B. (Management) — opened 1988 Kept in one book. There is one book.
1988Account opened. Forty chips.
38Years working it off
▲Direction of travel, every year
0Times she has raised her voice

Posted by the door · Laminated · Not enforceable anywhere

The house rules

Printed on card, hung by the main room door since 1974, and illegal in at least four jurisdictions, none of which know this building exists.

Tuesday Night — House Rules

Caller: Lynn · Verification: Lynn · Rules Committee: Lynn · Appeals: Lynn

  1. The house takes a rake. The rake is not disclosed and will not be disclosed.
  2. Chips are not money. Chips are not redeemable for money. Chips are better than money.
  3. Daubers are provided. Daubers are not free. Daubers are never mentioned again.
  4. There is no maximum stake. There is a minimum, and it is reviewed upward.
  5. A called bingo must be verified by the caller. The caller is Lynn.
  6. Disputes go to the Rules Committee, which sits during the game, and which is Lynn.
  7. Management may not play. Management plays every Tuesday.
  8. Debts follow you. Debts do not expire. Debts are inherited by whoever does the gutters.
  9. No credit is extended at the table. Exceptions are available at the table.
  10. The game ends when Lynn says “well.”

Rule 7 is a contradiction. I raised it in 1991 as a point of order. Rule 7 is now framed. My point of order is also framed, next to it, smaller. — B.

Monetary policy · Set in 1740 · Never floated

What the chips are pegged to

Currency board · Unit 3

The peg

FX-1
1 chip
One favour, medium
Pegged to
The 1740 price of a casserole
Movement since
None. It will not move.

Note

The chip is pegged to what a casserole cost in 1740. Casseroles have not moved in this building since 1740. Neither has the peg. Neither, I have been told, has anything else.

I asked what a large favour costs. She said “you would know.” That is the whole exchange rate. — B.

FixedReserve: one book · Auditor: none

Main room · Tuesdays · Since 1974

The float

FX-2
Chips in circulation
Unknown. She knows.
Issued by
Lynn
Backed by
Lynn

Note

Every chip in this building came out of one tin. There is one tin. Nobody has ever seen the bottom of the tin and I have carried the tin.

I asked once whether the tin runs out. She said “not for you.” Politely. Very politely. — B.

UnauditedHeld: Unit 3 · Access: one person

Standing body · Three members · Never votes

The enforcement arm

FX-3
Known as
The Beverage Committee
Powers
Soup. Chairs. Confiscation.
Escalation
A cardigan

Note

When an account falls behind, the Beverage Committee visits. They do not threaten anybody. They take the stepladder. They replace the coffee with soup. They sit in the office chair until the debtor sits down in the other one.

The soup is very good. The stepladder came back in March. I have fallen behind on purpose twice. — B.

EffectiveInjuries: none, ever · Soup: excellent

Account B. (Management) · Selected years · Denominated in chips

The debt schedule

He has been working it off since 1988. The work has been done. The balance has gone up. Both of these are true every year and neither of them is in dispute.

Year Opening Worked off Added Closing Note
19880—4040Account opened. He sat down at the wrong table on purpose.
19914040115115Point of order raised re: rule 7. Point of order priced.
199411590210235Gutters, twice. Gutters do not clear a balance. Gutters are expected.
2001235235500500Cleared it entirely at 9:40 PM. Played the 9:45 game.
20085003101,1401,330Dauber surcharge, retroactive to 1988. Rule 3.
20141,3308002,1002,630Requested a payment plan. Payment plan carried interest.
20192,6301,4003,9005,130Won a game. Winnings applied to a different account. Not his.
20235,1302,0004,6007,730Asked, politely, for the total in dollars. Declined, politely.
20267,7303,1006,77011,400Working it off. Balance up. Attendance: perfect.

The dollar figure appears nowhere in this table because management has never once said it out loud and the ledger’s keeper considers that his business.

Instruments held · Ballpoint on card stock · All originals

The IOUs

Four hundred and eleven of these exist. They are held in the book, in order, with the 1988 one on top because she likes the handwriting on it.

Main room · Tuesday, 1988 · Original

IOU 1

1/411
Face
40 chips
Term
“By spring”
Status
Outstanding, 38 years

Reproduced

I.O.U. forty (40) chips. Will work off by spring. Sorry about the table. — B.

She kept it. She keeps them all, but she keeps this one on top, and she has told me twice that the handwriting was steadier in 1988. It was. I was new. — B.

OutstandingSpring: unspecified · Which spring: unspecified

Main room · Tuesday, 2001 · 9:44 PM

IOU 188

188/411
Face
500 chips
Written
Four minutes after clearing the account
Status
Outstanding

Reproduced

I.O.U. five hundred (500). Balance was zero at 9:40. Balance is not zero at 9:44. This is my own doing. — B.

She had already written the receipt for the zero. She showed it to me. Then she put it in the book anyway, behind this one. She said “we will keep both.” — B.

OutstandingZero balance held: 4 minutes

Main room · Tuesday · This week

IOU 411

411/411
Face
6,770 chips
Term
None stated
Countersigned
Yes. Neatly.

Reproduced

I.O.U. six thousand seven hundred and seventy (6,770). No term. See you Tuesday. — B.

Under my signature, in her hand, in pencil, very small: “eat something.” That is the only instruction on the instrument. — B.

CurrentNext payment due: Tuesday, forever

Labour applied to the account · One Tuesday to the next

What working it off looks like

1988

Account opened at forty chips. He offers to work it off. She says that will be fine, in the tone of a woman who has heard this before and has a book for it.

1991

Raises a point of order regarding rule 7. The point of order is correct. The point of order is priced at seventy-five chips and framed.

1994

Gutters. Twice. Learns that gutters do not clear a balance, because gutters are expected of him anyway, and expectation is not payment.

2001

Clears the entire balance at 9:40 PM. Receipt written. Receipt witnessed. He sits back down for the 9:45 game and the receipt goes into the book behind the new IOU.

2008

Dauber surcharge applied retroactively to 1988 under rule 3. Nobody had mentioned the daubers since 1974, exactly as rule 3 requires.

2014

Requests a payment plan. Receives a payment plan. The payment plan carries interest. He thanks her for the payment plan.

2019

Wins a game outright. Winnings are applied to somebody else’s account. He is told whose. He agrees it was the right call.

2022

The Beverage Committee visits the office. Stepladder confiscated. Coffee replaced with soup. Office chair occupied until he sits down in the other one. Balance unchanged. Blood pressure improved.

2026

Three thousand one hundred chips worked off this year, every one of them logged, every one of them witnessed. Closing balance up by three thousand six hundred and seventy. Attendance: perfect.

Questions put to the ledger · Answered politely · Answered once

Points raised at the table

How much does he actually owe?

Eleven thousand four hundred chips. In dollars, he will not say. He has been asked by the Wellness Committee, the Bylaws Committee, and once, at a meeting, by everybody at the same time, in unison, which they had practised. He said “it is between me and the book.”

Could he pay it off?

Yes. He has been able to since roughly 1996. He has three hundred and sixty-seven years of wages, no rent, and a coin from 1659 he refuses to spend. The balance is not a problem. The balance is a subscription.

Is the game rigged?

The caller verifies her own calls, chairs the appeals, sets the rake, and issues the currency. The Rules Committee sits during play and is one woman. Management raised this in 1991 and the raising of it is now framed on the wall, which is the answer.

Has anyone ever been hurt over a debt?

Nobody has ever been hurt over anything here. The enforcement arm confiscates a stepladder, brings soup, and sits in your chair until you sit down in the other one. The soup is famously good. Two people in this building have fallen behind on purpose and one of them is management.

Has Lynn ever raised her voice?

No. Not once, in fifty-two years of Tuesdays. She says “well” and the game is over. She says “you would know” and the exchange rate is settled. She says “eat something” in pencil on a promissory note and it is the only instruction on the instrument.

Statements entered into the record · Unedited

On the record

★★★★★

He pays every week and he owes more every year. He has never once queried a line. I would let him clear it tomorrow and he knows that, and he knows I know, and we both sit down at seven on Tuesday.

— Lynn, Unit 3 (caller, ledger, Rules Committee)

★★★★★

We took his stepladder in 2022 and gave it back in March. He thanked us for the soup eleven times. He has since fallen behind twice on purpose. We are aware. We made more soup.

— The Beverage Committee, three members, no vote

★★★★★

Rule 7 says management may not play. Management plays every Tuesday. I raised this in 1991 and my raising of it is on the wall in a frame, smaller than rule 7, which is correct and which I accept.

— B. (Management), account holder, 1988 to present

Note found folded inside the book, behind IOU 411

Ballpoint · Not addressed to anybody · Not removed

I could clear it. I have been able to clear it since 1996. Nobody has ever asked me why I do not and I have never had to answer.

If I paid it off, Tuesday would just be Tuesday. Balance eleven thousand four hundred. See you at seven. — B.

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