Peggin' Witches

Regional manager · Territory: this parcel · Reporting to: nobody, since 1974

Melody D.

For a short period in the twentieth century there was one layer of management above Brian. It was a company. The company had a regional manager. The regional manager was Melody D. The company stopped existing in 1974 — the coven owns the building, always did, and the paperwork simply caught up. Nobody ever told Melody D. to stop. She has therefore not stopped. That was fifty-two years ago.

Regional file — territory 1 of 1 Supervisor: vacant · Successor: vacant · Region: this
4,118Surprise inspections conducted
0Deficiencies found, all inspections, all years
1,206Public reviews posted, under four names
0Times she has been wrong about a gutter

Organisational note · Filed by the office · Not circulated upward

The reporting line

The office keeps one page explaining the reporting line to anybody who asks. Two people have ever asked. Both were satisfied. One of them was Brian, and he wrote the page.

Reporting structure — Gravensend Court and associated holdings

Prepared by: the site manager · Approved by: the site manager · Distributed to: the regional

  • Ownership. The association. Twelve units, one bog, one shed, one lot. Owns the building. Has owned the building since 1659. Has never sold, leased or transferred it, and would like that noted every time this comes up.
  • Site management. Brian. On site since 1659. Twenty-five. Has been twenty-five for three hundred and sixty-seven years, which is a separate matter and is dealt with elsewhere.
  • Regional management. Melody D. Appointed 1968 by a management company that had no contract with the ownership, no relationship with the ownership, and, it later emerged, no properties.
  • Status of that company. Dissolved 1974. No assets, no successor, no forwarding address, and no remaining employees except the one who never received the memo.
  • Status of the regional. Active. Extremely active. The most active party on this chart by a margin the chart cannot really show.
  • Escalation path. Brian escalates to Melody D. Melody D. escalates to a post office box in a county that reorganised in 1974. The box replies by not existing. The matter is then considered closed at regional level.

People ask why I still report to a regional when there is no company. She was never told to stop. You do not stop because the paperwork changed. You stop when somebody tells you to stop. — B.

The office notes that the above is, word for word, the answer he gives about himself. He has now read this page four times and made no comment. — B.

Form 14-M · Two hundred and fourteen filings · Still going

There are two of them

Melodie lives in this building, communicates only in song, and has held the key to the public address system since 1974. Melody D. is the regional manager and does not live here. They are two people. Establishing this has required, to date, two hundred and fourteen written clarifications, which is why there is now a form.

Clarification of which Melody — FORM 14-M

Originated 1974 · Revision 9 · One page · Kept in the top drawer, face up

Tick one. Do not tick both. Ticking both has happened, and the correspondence arising from it ran to eleven pages.

  • Melodie — resident. Sings. Holds the PA key. Sixty-nine. Married to Gerald. If the message arrived as a tune, it was this one.
  • Melody D. — regional. Drives. Holds a clipboard. Not a resident, not on the lease, not in the bylaws, not, technically, on anything. If it arrived in a sleeve, it was this one.
  • Both — do not tick this.

Revision history. Rev. 1 was one sentence. Rev. 4 added the sleeve distinction. Rev. 7 added the words do not tick this. Rev. 9 added a second do not tick this, in bold, after the incident.

Filed by. Brian. Two hundred and fourteen times, each time in writing, each time politely, each time to somebody who had not asked.

Melodie has offered to sing the clarification over the PA to save me the paperwork. She has now sung it nine times. It has never once saved me the paperwork. — B.

There are two of us, there are two of us, one of us drives and one of us sings…

…she’s the one who has the folder, I’m the one you’re hearing now.

— Melodie, over the PA, 6:12 AM, annually since 1974

Public reviews · Ten of one thousand two hundred and six · Four signatures, one hand

The reviews

For fourteen years she has reviewed the properties in her territory on the review site, under names she regards as pseudonyms. The names are M. D., Melody D, A Local Guide and Regional M. Nobody has raised this with her. Nobody would know where to start.

The star rating and the text have never agreed. Not once, in fourteen years, across twelve hundred reviews. The office has checked, twice, on a slow afternoon.

PropertyRatingPosted SignedThe review, as posted
Gravensend Court★★★★★Mar 2011M. D.“One star. Before anything else, the gutters on this building are the cleanest gutters in the county. Four paragraphs follow on the gutters. A fifth paragraph follows on the way the manager carries himself on a ladder.”
Gravensend Court — parking, Space 4★★★★★Aug 2013A Local Guide“Five stars. I have not been to this parking lot. I understand the manager parks in the far space so the tenants get the near ones. Five stars.”
Thistledown Assisted Living★★★★★Jun 2015Melody D“Two stars. Handrails at correct height throughout. He carries the clipboard down at his side so that nobody thinks they are being inspected. Nobody teaches anybody that.”
Cinderbottom Basements — Ocala, FL★★★★★Feb 2017Regional M.“Three stars. Three paragraphs on the downspouts, which are correct. Fourth paragraph: he says ma’am to everybody. Including the boiler. I heard him do it.”
Lot 9 — Mid-Lotion, VA★★★★★Nov 2019M. D.“One star. There is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing at all wrong with it. I looked for two hours and there is nothing wrong with it. One star.”
The bog (unmanaged)★★★★★May 2021A Local Guide“Five stars. It is a bog. The manager has agreed in writing not to enter it in an official capacity, which is a restraint you do not see in this industry.”
Gravensend Court — laundry room★★★★★Sep 2023Melody D“Two stars. Vent clear, lint trap clear, floor drain clear. He carries a ladder one-handed at the balance point and does not set it down until he has to. Two stars.”
Gravensend Court — boiler room★★★★★Jan 2024Regional M.“Four stars. Boiler is fine. He was on the stair at four in the morning with a mug, waiting for a tenant to ring about a hum. Somebody should tell him to sit down. I did not tell him to sit down.”
Thistledown — front walk★★★★★Oct 2025M. D.“Five stars. I have not seen the front walk. I saw him salt it. Five stars for the front walk.”
Gravensend Court★★★★★Feb 2026Melody D“Anyway.”

The review site has twice written to confirm that the four accounts are operated by four different people. She replied both times, at length, about drainage.

Three reviews · Reproduced in full · Ratings exactly as posted

In full

The office reproduces three, because three establishes the pattern and four would be unkind to the reader.

★★★★★

The gutters have been cleared, seated, resealed and re-pitched on a building nobody made him re-pitch. The downspouts discharge four feet clear of the foundation. In this industry that is unheard of. I have inspected two hundred properties and I have never seen a gutter run like it.

He goes up the ladder himself. He does not send anybody. There is nobody to send.

— M. D., on Gravensend Court, March 2011

Rating as posted: one star. Reason for the rating: not stated. Not stated in any of the twelve hundred.

★★★★★

I have never been to this parking lot and I want that clear at the top. I am reviewing it anyway, because I understand from the inspection notes that the manager parks in Space 4, which is the far one, by the bins, in the weather, so that the tenants get the near ones.

He has done that for fifty-eight years. Nobody asked him to. Nobody has thanked him for it. The lot is fine. Five stars.

— A Local Guide, on Gravensend Court parking, August 2013

Distance from reviewer to reviewed lot at time of posting: none. She was standing in it.

★★★★★

Boiler serviced, log rotated, pressure correct, no findings. The site manager was on the basement stair at four in the morning with a mug that reads WORLD’S OKAYEST WARLOCK, waiting for a tenant to ring about a hum, because she rings at that hour and he does not like her to ring twice.

He was there before the call. He is always there before the call. Somebody should tell him to sit down.

— Regional M., on the boiler room, January 2024

Deficiencies recorded: none. Words on the boiler: nine. Words on the manager: one hundred and forty.

Review 1,206 · February 2026 · One star · No further text

The shortest one

“Anyway.”

— Melody D., on Gravensend Court, posted 4:40 AM, one star, no edits

She had been typing for fifty-eight minutes. The office knows this because the review site records a draft time. The word is seven letters.

Inspection schedule · Unannounced · Posted in the office, laminated

The surprise inspections

Regional policy requires two unannounced inspections a year. She conducts one a day. The schedule below is the published schedule. It is the schedule for every month, and has been since 1968. It is pinned in the office beside the fire notice, where Brian can see it, which is the only reason it is a schedule at all: he asked for a copy so he could have the coffee on.

Schedule of unannounced inspections Month: every · Rev. 1

Days 29, 30 and 31 are on the reverse. They also say SURPRISE.

Inspection statistics — 1968 to present Announced: never · Expected: entirely
6:38 AMMedian arrival. Office opens at 7. She waits in the car.
4 hrsEach way. Thermos. Two sandwiches. She only eats one.
4,118Inspections logged, photographed, tabbed and indexed
0Findings. In fifty-eight years. Not one.

She signs the visitor log every single time, in full, with the time in and the time out. No regional in the county’s history has ever signed a visitor log.

Regional file · Six items · Reproduced on the site copy of the form

From the regional file

Everything below is on the management company’s own form, in the management company’s own numbering, from a stationery order she placed in 1972 and has not yet worked through.

Gravensend Court · 6:38 AM · Unannounced

Surprise inspection 4,118

RM-4118
Inspector
Melody D., regional
Notice given
None, by policy
Findings
None. As with the other 4,117.

Site manager’s note

Sixteen pages. Photographs of the roof, the vents, the risers, the lot, the shed and the bins. Every page initialled. Every page finding nothing. She has photographed this shed one thousand times and the shed is fine in all of them.

Coffee was on. It is always on at 6:35, because the schedule says SURPRISE and I like to be ready for it. — B.

No findingsPages: 16 · Deficiencies: 0

Regional office · Her car · Three ring, four inches

The binder

RM-0002
Subject
Site manager, Gravensend Court
Thickness
Exceeds the personnel file
Tabs
Forty-one, colour-coded, laminated

Site manager’s note

She keeps a file on me. It is longer than the one the association keeps on me, which I have read, and longer than the one I keep on myself, which I wrote. Hers is indexed. Mine is alphabetized, which is not the same thing and I know that now.

I have not seen inside it. I have seen the spine. The spine is hand-lettered. Somebody spent an evening on that spine. — B.

Held at regionalContents: not disclosed · Spine: beautiful

Front office · Filed 214 times · Ongoing

Which Melody

14-M
Parties
Melodie (8F) and Melody D. (regional)
Filings to date
214
Resolution
Not anticipated

Site manager’s note

Two hundred and fourteen written clarifications, one form, nine revisions and one sung announcement a year. The form now has its own number, its own drawer and its own supply of copies, because we go through them.

The regional has read the form. The regional has filed a comment on the form. The comment says the form is well drafted. I have kept the comment. — B.

OngoingRevisions: 9 · Copies used this year: 30

Quarterly · Posted first class · Returned

The regional report

RM-Q209
Prepared for
Corporate, a defunct entity
Quarters filed
209, consecutively
Replies received
None

Site manager’s note

Forty-one pages a quarter, typed, tabbed, posted to a box number in a county that reorganised in 1974. It comes back marked NO SUCH ADDRESSEE. She files the returned envelope as the acknowledgement copy and staples it to the front.

I read them. Somebody has to read them. They are extremely good reports and the section on drainage is the best writing on this property. — B.

FiledRecipients: 0 · Readers: 1

Route 9 · Both directions · Daily

Drive time

RM-0088
Distance
Four hours each way
Mileage claimed
None. There is nobody to claim from.
Arrival
6:38 AM. Waits until 7.

Site manager’s note

Eight hours of driving for a sixteen-page inspection that finds nothing. She sits in the lot with the thermos until the office opens because she does not want to be a bother at that hour.

I have told her to knock. I have told her for fifty-eight years. She says she does not want to be a bother, and then she knocks at seven exactly, and I have the coffee on. — B.

StandingSandwiches packed: 2 · Eaten: 1

North elevation · 1981 · The only disagreement on file

The gutter

RM-0311
Item
North gutter, second run
Her position
Pitch is out. Half an inch.
His position
Withdrawn, 1981

Site manager’s note

Once, in 1981, I thought she was wrong about a gutter. I got the level. I got the string. I got a second level because I did not believe the first level. The pitch was out by half an inch, exactly where she said, and she had called it from the ground, from the lot, in the rain.

She has never been wrong about a gutter. I have stopped checking, which I am aware is not the same as her being right, except that it is. — B.

ClosedHer record on gutters: unbeaten

Performance improvement plan · Subject: the site manager · Issued by: the regional

Her improvement plan for him

A performance improvement plan is normally a document of last resort. This one has been in effect since 1969, has never once been escalated, and consists entirely of things she would like him to do less of.

Performance improvement plan — site manager, Gravensend Court

Issued 1969 · Reviewed quarterly · Never closed · Never escalated · Copy to: nobody

The subject is meeting expectations in every measured category and has done so for fifty-eight consecutive years. This plan is issued anyway, under regional discretion, because regional discretion is the only authority left in the building that she still holds.

  • Objective 1. Take a lunch. A whole one. Off the stair.
  • Objective 2. Sit down at least once during the inspection. The chair is right there. There is always a chair.
  • Objective 3. Stop climbing the ladder before the inspector has finished writing. It is not a race and he keeps winning it.
  • Objective 4. Wear the coat. It is in the office. It has been in the office since 1988.
  • Objective 5. Cease apologising for conditions that do not exist. Cease apologising for the apology. This objective has been carried forward two hundred and thirty-one times.
  • Objective 6. Answer the question “how are you” with information about himself rather than about the boiler.

Consequences of non-compliance. None. There is no disciplinary authority. There is no company. The plan will simply be reissued next quarter with the same six objectives, as it has been two hundred and thirty-one times.

Objective 4 is fair. I have not worn the coat. I will wear the coat. I said that in 1988. — B.

Objectives 1 through 6 have never changed. Objective 6 was added in 1974, the year the company dissolved, which the office mentions only because the office mentions everything.

Upward feedback · Submitted annually · Received by no one

What he has written about her

Brian completes the annual upward-feedback form on his regional manager every year without being asked, because the handbook says to, and the handbook is from 1968, and he still has it.

Upward feedback — regional manager, annual

Submitted by: the site manager · Routed to: a dissolved entity · Every year since 1969

  • Responsiveness — 5 of 5. “Arrives before the problem. Has arrived before the problem four thousand times.”
  • Thoroughness — 5 of 5. “Sixteen pages on a shed. I would like to work like that.”
  • Commitment to the asset — 5 of 5. “Eight hours of driving, unpaid, for a building she does not own, on behalf of a company that does not exist. I have never seen commitment to an asset like it.”
  • Areas for development — left blank. Has been left blank fifty-eight times. He has written N/A in it once, in 1993, and then crossed it out as too curt.
  • Would you recommend this manager to another region? — “No. I would not like her to go to another region.”

Award nomination. In 2004 he nominated her for Regional Manager of the Year, Mid-Atlantic Association of Property Professionals. There is no Mid-Atlantic Association of Property Professionals. There has never been one. He found the name on a certificate in a hallway at Thistledown, wrote to it, received nothing back, and renominated her the following year. He has renominated her every year since.

Twenty-two nominations, no reply. Twenty-two is a lot of nominations to lose. I have started attaching the gutter photographs, which should have been my opening move. — B.

The office asked him whether he had considered that she might be driving eight hours a day for a reason other than asset management. He said yes: she is thorough. — B.

Regional record · 1968 to present · Compiled from her own filings

Fifty-eight years of it

1968

Appointed regional manager by a management company with an office, a letterhead and no properties. Assigned one territory. Conducts her first inspection on a Tuesday. Finds nothing. Files sixteen pages about finding nothing.

1969

Issues the first performance improvement plan on a site manager who is meeting every expectation. Objective 1: take a lunch. Fifty-seven years later, objective 1 is still objective 1.

1974

The management company dissolves. The memo goes to an address she has already left, because she is on the road, because it is a Wednesday and Wednesdays say SURPRISE. Nobody tells her. She inspects the property on the Thursday as normal. She has inspected it as normal ever since.

1974

The same year, a resident named Melodie takes the PA key. The first written clarification is filed within the month. It is now form 14-M and it is on revision nine.

1981

The north gutter. She calls the pitch from the lot, in the rain, from the ground, and is out by nothing. He checks with two levels. She has never been wrong about a gutter and this is the year he stopped checking.

1988

Objective 4 added: wear the coat. The coat is bought, in his size, and left in the office with no note. It is still in the office. It is still in his size.

2004

He nominates her for an award from an organisation that does not exist. No reply. He assumes a strong field.

2011

The first review. One star, five paragraphs, four of them on gutters. Signed M. D., which she considers anonymous.

2019

One star for a lot in Mid-Lotion, Virginia, with the stated reason that there was nothing wrong with it. This is the review the office has framed.

2024

Four stars for a boiler room, one hundred and forty words of which are about a man on a stair at four in the morning. Deficiencies: none. She did not tell him to sit down.

2026

Review 1,206, at 4:40 in the morning, after fifty-eight minutes of drafting. It says “Anyway.” He has read it. He thinks the site cut her off.

Raised from the floor · Answered by the office · Not by him

Points of order

Who does Melody D. report to?

Nobody. She has reported to nobody since 1974, which she is not aware of, because the notification went to a forwarding address on a Wednesday, and Wednesdays say SURPRISE. She continues to file quarterly. The reports are excellent. The section on drainage is the finest writing anybody has produced about this property.

Does Brian know the company is gone?

Yes. He has known since 1974. He files his monthlies to her anyway, on time, with the photographs attached, because she asked for them and nobody has told him to stop. He does not find any of this strange. He has never found any of this strange, once, in fifty-eight years, and the office has decided to stop pointing it out.

Are the four review accounts the same person?

Obviously. M. D., Melody D, A Local Guide and Regional M. post from the same lot, at the same hour, in the same voice, about the same gutters. The review site has enquired twice. She answered both enquiries with a paragraph about drainage and considers the matter closed.

Why do the ratings never match the reviews?

The office has no theory and has stopped forming one. The working assumption is that the stars are about the property and the words are about something else, and that she has never noticed the words getting longer. In 2011 the property took four paragraphs and the manager took one. By 2024 the boiler took nine words.

Is the surprise inspection actually a surprise?

No. It has not been a surprise since 1968. The schedule is laminated and pinned in the office. She arrives at 6:38, waits in the car, knocks at seven, and the coffee has been on since 6:35. Everybody on this property knows. Everybody on this property finds it entirely lovely. She has been given a parking space, unasked, and it is the near one.

What is in the binder?

Not disclosed. It is four inches thick, three ring, forty-one tabs, colour-coded and hand-lettered on the spine, and it is longer than the file the association keeps on him and longer than the file he keeps on himself. Hers is properly indexed. His is alphabetized. He would be enormously flattered to learn the difference, and one day somebody will tell him.

Has she ever been wrong about a gutter?

No. Not once, in fifty-eight years, on four properties in three states and in Mid-Lotion, Virginia. Once, in 1981, he thought she was. He got two levels and a string and she had called it from the ground in the rain. See work order RM-0311, which he filed against himself.

Does the association mind?

The chair has ruled that the regional is a fixture, that fixtures convey with the property, and that a woman who drives eight hours to photograph a shed that is fine is welcome here on Wednesdays, and on the other days, which are also Wednesdays in the relevant sense. The motion carried twelve to nothing. It is the only unanimous vote in the minutes that did not concern the cake.

Feedback · Collected by the office · Filed, naturally

On the record

★★★★★

Best regional this property has ever had. Only regional this property has ever had, which I have pointed out to her, and she said a sample of one is still a sample. That is the kind of thinking we are dealing with.

— Brian, site manager, annual upward feedback

★★★★★

The chair notes that the regional has attended more mornings on this property than four of the twelve owners. The chair notes that she signs the log. The chair notes that Brian has read none of this correctly and the chair has elected not to assist.

— Julia, Unit 1A, Chair of the association

★★★★★

She calls me the other one. I call her the other one. We are both correct and we get along famously. She has a lovely singing voice and refuses to use it, which is her business.

— Melodie, Unit 8F, sung, transcribed

★★★★★

Sixteen pages, every month, on a shed. I have read them all. The photography has improved. So has everything else, honestly, which is more than I can say for the rest of this county.

— Denise, Unit 4B, highest-volume filer

All the ladies Julia Denise Ashelen Melodie Meela Lynn Jennifer Sheela Yanci Kendra The man she supervises
Pegged today by — sixty-nine-year-old witches · as of —