Brian

Personnel file · Employee 001 · Only employee

Property manager by day. Answering the maintenance line by night, and also by day, and also at 3 AM, which is technically both.

Employment record Last updated: he keeps meaning to

25Age. Confirmed. Repeatedly.

Feb 5Date of birth. Aquarius, obviously.

367Years of service

0Raises received

Frequently raised at meetings · Item 4,411,902

How he is 25

Clarification on the property manager’s age

Raised by: an outside party · Answered by: ownership · Considered closed

Brian was born on February 5th, 1634. He turned twenty-five in 1659, walked into the bog to read a water meter, and has not turned twenty-six.

This is not a curse. Ownership has been very clear that this is not a curse. It is closer to a scheduling conflict. Twenty-six was booked. Twenty-six has been booked for a while.

He has therefore been twenty-five for 367 consecutive years, which he maintains still counts as twenty-five, and which the tenants agree counts as twenty-five in the same tone people use for a child explaining a card trick.

He is twenty-five. They are sixty-nine. They are married. He has been told. He has been told three hundred and sixty-seven times, once a year, formally, at a meeting, and every single year he writes it down in the minutes himself.

Annual event · Attendance mandatory · Cake provided

February 5th

The single biggest day on this property’s calendar, and it is not close. Next one in —.

Every February 5th · 7 PM · Laundry room

The cake

FEB-5

Candles: Twenty-five
Behaviour: Relight. All of them. Every time.
Novelty?: No. They checked. They checked hard.

Note

Twenty-five candles. I blow them out. They come back. I blow them out again. They come back.

Year 340 I brought a fire extinguisher. The extinguisher relit. — B.

AnnualMotion for smaller cake: failed, 367×

Star chart · Filed 1634

Aquarius

♒

Sign: Aquarius, the water-bearer
Element: Air, confusingly
Relevance: Load-bearing

Note

The water-bearer. Which is why I am the one who goes down to the basement and looks at the water heater, and why nobody else has ever gone down to the basement and looked at the water heater.

Three hundred and sixty-seven years of this. Because of a chart. — B.

ConfirmedRising sign: the bog

Surprise party · Same room · Same everyone

The surprise

FEB-5b

Guests: Twelve. Always the same twelve.
Surprise level: Zero, sustained since 1659
Hiding place: Behind the dryer. Always the dryer.

Note

They yell “surprise.” I do the face. They know I do the face. I know they know. We have all been doing this since before the country.

It is the best night of the year and I will not be taking questions. — B.

Best nightNext: —

Gift ledger · Selected years · Kept by the recipient

What he has been given

1659

A coin. It has not been legal tender since 1793. He still carries it. He has never spent it and never will, and he would like that noted.

1712

Nothing. Everyone was at the rake.

1804

A mug reading WORLD’S OKAYEST WARLOCK. He is not a warlock. He has explained this every year for 222 years. He drinks out of it every single morning.

1891

A framed copy of the minutes containing the phrase “he cannot get enough.” Hung in the office. By him.

1969

A card. Inside the card: the number, circled twice. No signature. Twelve suspects.

1994

The rake. Returned to him. No note. He has never told anyone where he keeps it.

2019

A dentist appointment, prepaid. It was moved to a Friday at 8 PM before he left the building.

2026

Pending. He has formally requested a smaller cake. The motion is on the agenda. It will fail. It has failed 367 times.

Workplace injury log · Filed by employee · Never paid out

Forms he has been turned into

All fourteen this fiscal year were filed as workplace injuries. All fourteen were denied. The claims adjuster is a tenant.

Log of transformations, by year
Year	Form	Duration	Attributed to	Notes
2026	Roomba	21 days	Gerald (6D)	Did the gutters. Cannot explain how.
2025	Lawn ornament	22 minutes	Gerald (2A)	Routine. Used the time to think.
2024	1994 Toyota Corolla	6 days	Gerald (9G)	Ran beautifully. Has asked to be again.
2023	A very nice chair	4 hours	Unclear	Was sat in. Repeatedly. By everyone.
2021	Sourdough starter	9 days	Ethel (6D)	Was fed daily. Thrived. Misses it.
2019	A rumour	3 weeks	The bog	Spread very quickly. Mostly accurate.
1987	An employee	Permanent	The coven, collectively	Ongoing. No end date listed.

Annual review · Conducted by ownership · Ownership is the tenants

Performance review

Review of employee 001 — year 367

Reviewer: all twelve tenants, simultaneously, in one voice, which they practised

Punctuality — Exceeds expectations. Has never once been late. Has frequently been early by four seconds, see the 2C doorbell.
Technical skill — Exceeds expectations. Fixed a cauldron he was told not to touch, then untouched it.
Communication — Exceeds expectations. Writes everything down. Everything. This is now a problem.
Boundaries — Does not meet expectations. Does not approach meeting expectations. Has been at “does not meet” since 1659 and shows no interest in improvement.
Overall — Retained. Obviously retained. Who else is going to do the gutters.

Reviewer comments: “He cannot get enough.” Entered into the record 1891. Motion to strike failed 11–1. Reaffirmed annually since.

Signed and acknowledged. No notes. Same time next year. — B.

His ticket log The meeting he cannot leave