The Badge

Unofficial · Unaffiliated · Unauthorised · Laminated

Brian has wanted to be a detective for three hundred and sixty-seven years. Not an officer. Not an agent. A detective. He wants a case file, a corkboard, red string, and a reason to knock on a door and ask one follow-up question of a woman who does not like him yet. He has applied every year since 1659. He has been turned down every year since 1659. In 1994 he stopped waiting and made the card himself.

Bureau statistics — year 367 Compiled by: the investigator · Verified by: nobody

367Applications submitted

0Applications accepted

41Cases opened

40Closed — suspect was right

Credential · Self-issued · Kinko’s, 1994, 11:40 PM

The card

Card stock, one colour photocopy, five mil laminate, cut out by hand with the shop’s good scissors. He paid $2.14. He kept the receipt. The receipt is also laminated.

Peggin’ Witches
Auxiliary Investigative Bureau

P.W.A.I.B.

“Quaero, deinde me paenitet”
We ask, and then we apologise

Investigator: Brian
Age: 25
Rank: Detective (aspirational)
Jurisdiction: This parcel. Not the bog.
Authority: None
Expires: He left it blank

Brian

Issued by

Brian

Issued to

The acronym is P.W.A.I.B. He pronounces it “pweb.” He is the only person who has ever said it out loud. He says it out loud constantly.

Oath of office · Administered 1994 · To a mirror

I do solemnly swear to look into things, gently, and to stop the moment I am asked, and to write it all down, and to be wrong about it in front of everybody. So help me, somebody. — B.

Organisational chart · One page · One box

The Bureau

Founding charter of the P.W.A.I.B.

Drafted, ratified, notarised and filed by the same person · 14 March 1994

The Peggin’ Witches Auxiliary Investigative Bureau is a one-man investigative outfit with no legal standing, no statutory powers, no budget, no vehicle, and no relationship of any kind with any actual law-enforcement body anywhere. It has a motto, a binder, a folding chair, and a laminated card.

Personnel — one. Investigator, records clerk, dispatcher, evidence custodian, janitor and civilian complaint board, all Brian, concurrently.
Jurisdiction — the property. Twelve units, one basement, one shed, one parking lot, and one bog he has agreed not to enter in an official capacity.
Powers of arrest — none. He does not want any. He has stated on the record that arresting somebody would “end the conversation.”
Powers of search — he may knock. If invited in, he takes his boots off. He is always invited in. He is usually fed.
Oversight — all twelve subjects of all forty-one investigations, sitting jointly as the review board, which is also the HOA, which also owns the building, which also writes the bylaws, and which conducts his annual performance review.
Closure standard — a case is closed when the subject asks him to stop. He stops. He writes CASE CLOSED — SUSPECT WAS RIGHT. He has never once appealed.

Showed ownership the charter. Ownership said “that’s nice, Brian.” Ownership has said “that’s nice, Brian” every year since. It is the highest commendation this bureau has received and it is in the binder. — B.

Case files 0001 – 0041 · Nine reproduced in full

The case files

Every file is on the same form, in the same hand, mostly written on a stair. Forty of the forty-one collapsed the instant the subject asked him to stop. One remains open, and he intends to keep it that way.

Common area · Opened 1971 · Reopened annually

The thermostat

PW-0004

Subject: Person or persons unknown (twelve)
Allegation: Unauthorised adjustment
Setting: 69°F. Always. Immediately.

Investigator’s note

Set it to 68 at approx 0900 hours. At 0902 hours it was 69 again. Sat in the hallway with a thermos and watched it for eleven hours. It changed while I was looking directly at it.

Asked Prudence, 9G. Prudence said “don’t.” I said sorry. Closed the file on the stair outside her door. — B.

ClosedSuspect was right

Association records · Opened 1970 · Cold since

The 1969 minutes

PW-0011

Exhibit: One (1) page. The number, circled twice.
Subjects: All twelve tenants
Denials: Twelve of twelve

Investigator’s note

Collected twelve handwriting samples. Compared them myself. THIS INVESTIGATOR is not a handwriting analyst. All twelve matched. All twelve also did not match.

Agnes read the report, handed it back, and said “Brian.” Just that. I said sorry and stopped. — B.

ClosedSuspect was right

Grounds · Opened 1994 · Chain of custody: broken

The rake

PW-0019

Item: One (1) rake. Returned. No note.
Prior incident: 1712. Two subjects. Simultaneous.
Prints recovered: His. Only his.

Investigator’s note

Somebody left it against the office door overnight. No note. The minutes for that year record four words: “He knew what it was.”

Interviewed both Barbs. Both said “you know.” I do know. Closed it. Kept the rake. I will not say where. — B.

ClosedEvidence retained indefinitely

Unit 6D · Opened Sunday · Closed Sunday

What is in the jam

PW-0026

Subject: Ethel Nightcrust, 69
Record: Undefeated in competitive jam since 1740
Lab analysis: None. There is no lab.

Investigator’s note

Asked the subject what is in the jam. Subject said “jam.” Recorded verbatim: JAM. Requested a sample for analysis. Received a jar. Analysed it by eating it.

Requested a second sample to confirm the first. Confirmed. Requested a third. Was told to go home, Brian. Went home. — B.

ClosedEvidence consumed ×3

Unit 13 · Opened monthly · Closed monthly

Who lives in Unit 13

PW-0031

Subject: The tenant of Unit 13
Rent status: Current. Always current.
Unit on plat: Does not appear

Investigator’s note

Approached the door AT APPROX 1400 HOURS. There is a door. There is not a unit. Knocked twice. Announced myself. Announced the bureau. Spelled the bureau.

A voice said “not today, Brian.” I said sorry, and thank you, and that I hoped the radiator was behaving. It said it was. — B.

ClosedDo not investigate · He investigated

Units 7A / 7B · Opened 1712 · Closed 1712

The identity of the other Barb

PW-0002

Subjects: Barb, 69, and Barb, 69
Method: Line-up
Result: Each identified the other

Investigator’s note

Both subjects answer to Barb. Both state that the other one is the other Barb. Conducted a line-up. Both stood in it. Both were extremely helpful. Both were the other Barb.

Asked which one is which. They said “yes.” I apologised for the question. They said don’t. I did anyway. — B.

ClosedBoth suspects were right

Laundry room · Opened Feb 6 · Closed Feb 6

The dryer

PW-0038

Allegation: Concealment, annual, coordinated
Subjects: Twelve, behind one dryer
Motive: Undetermined at filing

Investigator’s note

Every February 5th, twelve people conceal themselves behind a single dryer and then shout. This has occurred 367 times. It is the same dryer. It is not a large dryer.

Opened the file at 0800 the next morning. Closed it at 0803. Motive determined. Do not want it investigated. Withdrew my own complaint. — B.

WithdrawnComplainant: the investigator

Unit 2C · Opened 1988 · Referred to nobody

The missing four seconds

PW-0022

Subject: Mildred Quicklime, 69
Anomaly: Doorbell rings before the button
Lead time: 4 seconds, unaccounted

Investigator’s note

The bell precedes the press by four seconds. Across thirty-eight years that is roughly nine hours of doorbell that has not happened yet. THIS INVESTIGATOR would like to know where it goes.

Mildred says the kettle needs the four seconds. That is a complete answer and I have no follow-up. I did have a follow-up. I did not use it. — B.

ClosedNot a crime · Filed anyway

Property-wide · Opened 1659 · The only open file

The folding chair

PW-0001

Subject: Unidentified
Pattern: 367 years, no exceptions
Status: Open, deliberately

Investigator’s note

Somebody puts a folding chair wherever I am about to need one. Basement. Roof. The shed. Space 4. It is always already there and it is always already open.

This is the first file I opened and it is the only one still open. I have never asked anybody about it. I am not going to. — B.

OpenWill not be pursued

Rejection binder · 367 letters · In sleeves, in order

Three hundred and sixty-seven rejections

He applies once a year, in February, the week of his birthday. He has never been hired. He keeps every letter. The binder is the third-thickest document on the property and the only one he has ever offered to read aloud.

1659

First application, hand-delivered to the county seat on foot. Returned unopened, marked “no such parcel.” The county has never had a record of this property and does not have one now. He filed the envelope as rejection number one.

1692

Rejected. Under previous employer he had written “the bog.” Under reason for leaving he had written “I did not leave.”

1743

Reached an interview. Was asked one question and answered it for forty minutes. Rejected, but the letter used the word “thorough,” which he has underlined so many times the page now has a groove in it.

1751

Rejected for listing his start date as 1659. Asked to clarify. He clarified. He clarified further. The interviewer then clarified that the interview was over.

1804

Rejected on his references. He listed three. All three were the subjects of his own open investigations. All three wrote glowing letters. That was the reason.

1888

Under why do you wish to investigate he wrote: “I would like to look into mean older women, respectfully, and then leave when asked.” Rejected. The letter was warm. He has kept the letter.

1929

Rejected at the physical, which he passed. He passes it every time, being twenty-five. The examining doctor wrote the word “no” in a box where there was no question.

1954

Rejected for submitting his own fingerprints, which he had taken himself, at his desk, on a napkin, in jam.

1969

Attached a photocopy of that year’s association minutes as a writing sample. The minutes for that year consist entirely of the number, circled twice. There was no reply. He has counted the absence of a reply as a rejection, out of fairness to them.

1994

Rejected on the Monday. On the Tuesday he drove to a Kinko’s, made the card, laminated it, cut it out with the shop’s good scissors, and appointed himself at 11:40 PM. The P.W.A.I.B. is founded. He applied again in the November.

2011

Rejected for listing a character reference who is a bat. The bat is named Gerald. The bat is married. The bat did not respond to the reference request, which he noted in the file as “consistent.”

2019

The application moved online. The form would not accept a start date earlier than 1900, so he entered 1900. Rejected for inconsistencies in the employment history. He agrees with this one. He says it was fair. He says it was, honestly, a good catch.

2026

Submitted February 6th, the morning after the party, on the stair, in ballpoint. Listed under relevant experience: forty-one cases, one hundred per cent closure rate. Status: pending. It is not pending.

Note found on the inside back cover of the binder

Undated · Ballpoint · Not entered into the minutes

Three hundred and sixty-seven no’s. Read them all again last night, in order, with the mug. Not one of them was rude. Not one, in three hundred and sixty-seven years. That is a remarkable record for any profession and I would like it noted. — B.

Evidence board · Office wall · Behind the filing cabinet

The board

Cork, index cards, brass tacks, and one spool of red string bought in 1994 that is still three-quarters full. He works the board at night, by candle, because the office lamp went out in 1988 and replacing it is work order #3390, which he assigned to himself, and which he keeps deprioritising.

Exhibit 1 · File PW-0004

The thermostat returns to 69° within two minutes of any adjustment, in every unit, in all weather, for fifty-five years.

Exhibit 2 · File PW-0022

The 2C doorbell rings four seconds early so the kettle is already on when he arrives. It has never once been wrong about when he arrives.

Exhibit 3 · File PW-0033

Every dental appointment he books is moved to Friday at 8 PM, which is when the Step-Sisters play the laundry room. His teeth are, independently, perfect.

Exhibit 4 · File PW-0019

The rake came back in 1994. No note. Nobody has ever asked for it back and nobody has ever brought it up.

Exhibit 5 · File PW-0001

There is always a chair. Wherever he is going, before he gets there, already open.

Exhibit 6 · File PW-0038

Twelve women, one dryer, once a year, for 367 years. Twenty-five candles that will not stay out. A motion for a smaller cake that has failed 367 times running.

Conclusion · Reached 0400 hours · Verified twice

They like him.
That is the whole thing.
That is the case.

Took the string down. Put it back up the same way. Conclusion holds. — B.

Field manual · Section 1 · There is no section 2

Interrogation technique

The complete method, unchanged since 1659, reproduced in full. It runs to six steps. Four of them are apologies.

Standard approach — subject interview

Author: the investigator · Reviewed by: the subjects · Approved unanimously

Knock. Wait. Knock again, more quietly, in case the first knock came across as a lot.
Ask the question. One question. Ask it politely and then stop talking, which is the hard part, and which THIS INVESTIGATOR has been working on since 1659.
Apologise for the question.
Accept the answer. The answer is accepted in full. There is no such thing as a bad answer; there is only a question that should have been phrased better, which is his fault.
Apologise for the length of step three.
Thank the subject. Compliment something in the room, sincerely, because he means it. Leave. Write it all down on the stair.

Advanced technique — the follow-up question. He has deployed one follow-up question in three hundred and sixty-seven years. It was in 1743. It was “are you sure?” She was sure. He thinks about it most weeks.

Clearance rate. Zero cases solved. Forty closed. Twelve subjects and twelve standing invitations to come back Thursday. He writes both of those numbers on the same line of the application every February.

Doreen once told me to stop mid-word. The word was “would.” I stopped at “wou.” Best interview of my career. — B.

Pocket card · Carried since 1994 · Read aloud once

The warning he wrote himself

It has no legal force and never has. It is not the real one, and he knows it is not the real one; he wrote his own because he wanted the wording to be kinder. He has read it aloud exactly once, in 1994, to a door.

Advisement of rights — P.W.A.I.B. form 1

Not a legal instrument · Confers nothing · Laminated anyway

You have the right to tell me to stop. If you tell me to stop I will stop immediately, and I will apologise for having started, and I will mean it.
You have the right not to answer. You also have the right to answer, then change the answer, and I will write down both, and I will believe the second one.
Anything you say will be written down in ballpoint, on a stair, and used to establish that you were right.
You have the right to an attorney. You are the attorney. You wrote the bylaws. I have read the bylaws. They are extremely good and I have said so at meetings.
If you cannot afford an attorney, that has never come up here, and I am sorry for raising it, and I am sorry for the phrasing of that apology.
You may ask me to leave at any point, including now, including before this sentence ends.
Do you understand these rights as I have explained them? You do not have to say. I already know that you do. I am sorry.
Would you like the chair? There is a chair. There is always a chair.

Read it once, in 1994, to the door of Unit 13. Got as far as item four. The door said it understood. — B.

Evidence locker · Bottom drawer · Not locked

The evidence locker

Seven tagged items. Two are in daily use by the custodian. One has been eaten. The locker is a drawer. The drawer does not lock. He has never seen the need.

Tagged items held by the P.W.A.I.B. evidence locker
Tag	Item	Recovered	Storage	Custodian’s note
A-01	One (1) coin	1659	His coat pocket	Not legal tender since 1793. Not evidence of anything. Will not be released.
A-02	One (1) rake	1994	Undisclosed	Chain of custody broken on receipt. The only prints on it are his own.
A-03	One (1) mug	1804	The office, in use	Reads WORLD’S OKAYEST WARLOCK. Custodian is not a warlock. Custodian drinks from the exhibit daily.
A-04	One (1) folding chair	Continuously	Wherever he is about to sit	Arrives before it is needed, already open. No suspect. File PW-0001 remains open.
A-05	One (1) laminated card	1994, Kinko’s	On his person	Self-issued. Bears his own signature in both boxes. Confers no authority of any kind.
A-06	One (1) binder	Ongoing	Bottom drawer	367 rejection letters, in sleeves, chronological, tabbed, indexed, hand-lettered.
A-07	Three (3) jars of jam	Sunday	Gone	Consumed by the investigator during analysis. Analysis inconclusive. Analysis will be repeated.

Questions filed with the bureau · Answered by the bureau

Filed questions

The bureau is one man, so these are answered by the person they are about.

Is Brian a police officer?

No. Brian has never been a police officer, a detective, a deputy, an agent, or an employee of any law-enforcement body of any kind, anywhere, in three hundred and sixty-seven years. He is a residential property manager with a laminated card he made himself at a copy shop in 1994. He calls it a badge. It is a card.

Does the P.W.A.I.B. have any authority?

None whatsoever. It cannot detain, cite, search, charge, fine, summon, or compel anyone to do anything at all. Its complete enforcement power is knocking, and then leaving when asked. Its assets are a motto, a binder, a folding chair, and a spool of red string.

Has he ever solved a case?

No. Forty-one opened, forty closed, one open by choice, zero solved. He reports this on the annual application as a one hundred per cent closure rate, which is, technically and in the least useful possible sense, accurate.

What happens if a subject asks him to stop?

He stops. Immediately, mid-sentence, and on one documented occasion mid-word. He then apologises, thanks the subject, writes CASE CLOSED — SUSPECT WAS RIGHT on the form, and asks whether she needs anything looked at while he is here. She usually does.

Why does he keep doing this if he always loses?

He does not experience it as losing. Every case is a reason to knock on a door and ask a woman a question, and every case ends with her being right, in front of him, which he enjoys enormously and has never once concealed. See also his personnel file, under Boundaries: does not meet expectations.

Who investigates the investigator?

All twelve subjects, sitting jointly as the review board, which is also the HOA, which also owns the building, which also writes the bylaws, and which conducts his annual performance review in one voice, which they practised. The full record is in the minutes.

Is the badge real?

It is laminated. That is the only claim the badge makes, and it is true.

What he does for actual money The man himself