Jennifer

Resident file · Thistledown Assisted Living · Unit 4, north hall

Sixty-nine. Married. Her husband is named Gerald. She chairs two committees and audits a third. She requires no assistance of any kind and has never requested any, which has not stopped Brian from providing it continuously since 1981.

Assistant record — unpaid, unsolicited, ongoing Maintained by: the assistant

45Years of service. He rounds down to forty.

0Times he was asked

1Binder. Tabbed. Indexed.

$0Compensation, cumulative

Facility overview · Posted in the lobby · Item 1

Thistledown Assisted Living

Statement of care levels

Prepared by: the residents · Reviewed by: the residents · Approved: unanimously

Thistledown is licensed as an assisted living facility. No resident at Thistledown requires assistance of any kind. This has been true since the building opened and the residents consider the matter settled.

Residents control the thermostat, the menu, the parking assignments, the shrubs, and the front desk. Residents chair every committee. Residents wrote the handbook. Management is provided by Brian, 25, who is not on any committee and has applied to be on four.

There is one documented health concern in this building and it belongs to the property manager. It is laminated. It hangs by the coffee station. It is updated quarterly whether he likes it or not, and he likes it.

Job description · Written by the applicant · For a position that was never posted

The job that does not exist

Filed 1981. Revised eleven times. Nobody has ever received a copy except Jennifer, who received four.

Self-created position · Effective March 1981

Personal Assistant to Jennifer

PA-01

Reports to: Jennifer
Posted by: Nobody
Salary: None. Never discussed.
Hours: All of them

Note

She mentioned once, in passing, in 1981, that her mail had been slow. I sorted her mail. Then I sorted it the next day. There was no next step and I took it anyway.

That was forty-five years ago and I have not stopped and nobody has told me to. — B.

OngoingTerm: indefinite

Reference document · Three-ring · Blue

The binder

BND-1

Started: 1986
Tabs: Sixty-one
Contents: Preferences, dates, orders, routes
Requested: No

Note

Tab 12 is her coffee. Tab 13 is her sister’s coffee. I have never met her sister. Her sister visits twice a year and I am ready both times.

There is an index in the back. I made the index. Nobody has ever opened the binder except me. — B.

CurrentBackup copy: yes · Also his

Verbal feedback · Received 2003 · Acted upon immediately

“You really don’t have to”

FB-03

Speaker: Jennifer
Tone: Kind. Slightly tired.
Interpreted as: Performance note
Response time: Same afternoon

Resolution

She said “you really don’t have to.” I understood this to mean the work was not yet at the standard she expected. I went home and rewrote the whole system.

Added three duties. Colour-coded the binder. She has not raised it again, so I assume it landed. — B.

ClosedDuties before: 9 · After: 12

Schedule of duties · Column four is the important one

What he does

Complete list, current as of this quarter. The fourth column has been the same since the first entry and he formats it fresh every year anyway.

Duties performed for Jennifer, with the year each began and whether she requested it
Duty	Began	Frequency	Requested by Jennifer?	Notes
Sorting her mail	1981	Daily	No	The founding duty. She said the mail was slow. It was the post office.
Alphabetizing the spice rack	1981	Quarterly	No	Reorganized by cuisine in 1994. Reverted 1995. She never noticed either way.
Her coffee order	1982	Daily	No	Large, black, one sugar, stirred nine times. Nine is not a preference. He counted once and committed.
Her sister’s coffee order	1983	Twice yearly	No	He has never met her sister.
Driving her to appointments	1984	14× a year	No	She has a car. She likes the car. She lets him drive because he has already warmed it up.
The binder	1986	Continuous	No	Sixty-one tabs. Index in the back.
Annual performance review (his own)	1988	Yearly	No	Delivered in a folder. She takes the folder. The folder is never seen again.
Birthday reminders, her acquaintances	1991	61× a year	No	Includes eleven people she has stopped speaking to. He tracks those too, respectfully.
Screening her calls	1997	Daily	No	She does not receive calls. He screens anyway. Nothing gets through.
Maintaining her calendar	2001	Daily	No	The calendar is empty. It is beautifully maintained.
Returning her library books	2004	Weekly	No	The library closed in 1988. He goes on Wednesdays. He has a system.
Holding her place in line	2011	As needed	No	There are no lines at Thistledown. He stands ready in the lobby regardless.
Watering her plants	2019	Daily	No	The plants are Sheela’s. Sheela is aware. Sheela allows it.

Requests received from Jennifer, 1981 to present: zero. Duties performed in the same period: twelve, continuously, without a single gap.

Chronology · Reconstructed from the binder · By the binder’s author

How this happened

1981

Jennifer mentions the mail is slow. Brian sorts the mail. He is not asked to sort the mail. He sorts the mail again on Tuesday.

1982

Jennifer considers mentioning that she can sort her own mail. Decides it would be unkind. The window for mentioning it closes quietly and forever.

1984

He begins driving her to appointments. She could drive herself. She has driven herself since before cars were good. He has already warmed up the car, so.

1986

The binder. Three-ring, blue. Tab one: “JENNIFER — GENERAL.” There are now sixty-one tabs and no tab has ever been removed.

1988

He writes himself a performance review and gives it to her. She reads it in the hallway. She says “mm.” He files “mm” under Feedback and rates the year a success.

1995

Jennifer’s husband Gerald asks her, once, what the arrangement is. She says “I genuinely do not know.” Gerald accepts this. Gerald has his own things going on.

2003

She says “you really don’t have to.” He hears a performance note. Three new duties are added by nightfall. She does not try again.

2011

The committee formally asks Jennifer to release him for two hours a week for facility work. Jennifer points out that she has never held him. The committee finds this correct and moves to item nine.

2019

Jennifer starts putting a sandwich on his desk. Every day. She does not mention it. He has never mentioned it either. It is the single most important item in this chronology.

2026

Year forty-five. He has drafted an anniversary memo. There is no anniversary. There is no position. The memo is two pages and it is very well organised.

Anniversary · Of nothing · Observed anyway

Year forty-five

He marks the date every March. Nobody else knows the date. He is not going to tell anyone the date.

Annual self-review — year 45

Reviewer: Brian · On behalf of: Jennifer, who did not ask for a review · Delivered: in a folder, in the hallway

Accuracy — Exceeds expectations. Coffee correct 16,394 consecutive days. One near miss in 1998, self-reported.
Anticipation — Exceeds expectations. Warmed the car for an appointment she had not yet made. She made it. He wishes to be clear that this is a coincidence.
Discretion — Meets expectations. Was asked once what he does all day and said “errands,” which is technically the whole truth.
Restraint — Does not meet expectations. Has been at “does not meet” since 1981. Reviewer has recommended no corrective action because reviewer does not want any.
Overall — Retained. Retention decision made by the employee. Employee is also the entire hiring committee.

Employer comments: None received. None solicited. Space left blank on the form, every year, in case.

Signed and acknowledged. No notes. Same time next year. — B.

Her side of it · Given once · Not repeated

Jennifer, on the arrangement

“I said it one time, in 2003, and he wrote it down and worked harder, so now I just say thank you, Brian — which is true, and which he files.”

— Jennifer C., Unit 4, resident since the building

★★★★★

Forty-five years. I have never once asked him for anything. He has never once been late, wrong, or absent. I have simply been carried, competently, by a man I did not hire.

— Jennifer C., Unit 4

★★★★★

She puts a sandwich on his desk every day and calls it nothing. He eats it standing up and calls it nothing. Between the two of them, that is the entire relationship, and it is airtight.

— The Nutrition Committee, Thistledown

Wall of the coffee station · Updated quarterly · Committee chaired by Jennifer

The care plan

There is exactly one care plan at Thistledown Assisted Living. It is not for a resident.

THISTLEDOWN — INDIVIDUAL CARE PLAN

Subject: Brian, property manager, 25 · Reviewed: quarterly · Chair: Jennifer · Consent: enthusiastic

Nutrition. One sandwich, desk, daily. Left without comment. Eaten without comment. Non-negotiable.
Seating. Subject is to sit down at 2 PM. Subject will say he is fine. Subject will then sit down.
Blood pressure. Taken Tuesdays by whoever is nearest the cuff. Readings are recorded on this card in four different hands.
Fluids. Water, not the fourth coffee. The fourth coffee is intercepted at the machine. He has stopped trying to make the fourth coffee.
Rest. Subject is not permitted on the roof after eight. This rule exists because of an incident and the incident is not on this card.

Escalation: Notify all residents. All residents are already aware. Residents were aware first.

I did not ask for this card. Nobody consulted me. It has my blood pressure on it in four handwritings and one of them is Jennifer’s. Best thing in the building. — B.

Raised at the quarterly · Answered in one sentence each

Questions the committee keeps getting

Does Jennifer employ Brian?

No. She has never employed him, engaged him, retained him, or requested him. He is employed by the property. The arrangement is something he built by himself, out of nothing, over forty-five years, on his own time.

Has anyone told him he can stop?

Yes, once, in 2003, gently. It produced three new duties. The committee has resolved not to try that again on the grounds that it makes things worse and he seems happy.

Is he paid?

Not for this. He is paid to manage the property, which he also does, at a rate that has not moved since 1659. The assistant work is entirely additional and entirely his idea.

Who is actually looking after whom?

Jennifer is sixty-nine, immortal, in excellent health, and chairs two committees. Brian is the only person in this building with a documented health concern. He has a laminated card. She wrote most of it.

Is Brian okay?

He is thriving. Loudly. In a cardigan. It remains the most annoying thing about him.

Ashelen Melodie Lynn Sheela Yanci Kendra All the ladies