Peggin' Witches

Thistledown Assisted Living · Unit 7 · PA privileges, unrevoked

Melodie

Thistledown is the other property Brian manages. Assisted living. No resident has ever required assistance. Melodie communicates exclusively in song. She has had the key to the public address system since 1974 and she is not going to give it back.

Every maintenance request from Unit 7 arrives as a chorus. Management transcribes each one into a work order in ballpoint, on the stairs, at speed, and gets it wrong.

Broadcast record — Unit 7 Licence on file: none, and none coming
1974Format launched. Never off air.
0Keys returned
1Time she used a speaking voice
3Work orders transcribed correctly

Facility systems · Public address · Access review, annual, futile

The public address system

Access review — PA console, second floor

Key holder: Melodie, Unit 7 · Key issued: 1974 · Key requested back: annually · Key returned: no

The console was installed in 1974 to announce meals nobody needs and fire drills nobody attends. Melodie was handed the key to hold for an afternoon. She has held it for fifty-two years and has taken the position that this was the afternoon.

The format has run continuously since. There are no advertisements, no station identification, and no licence. Management raised the licence question once, in 1981, in writing. The written question was read out over the PA, set to a tune, and has been in rotation ever since.

Coverage is the whole building plus the parking lot plus, on damp nights, the bog. Signal strength on damp nights is a matter for the county, and the county does not know either property exists.

I have asked for the key back every year since 1975. I ask in a memo. She answers in a key change. Request considered heard. — B.

Work orders 7-101 to 7-108 · Sung, then written down

What she sang, and what he wrote

Column three is the work order as filed. Column four is what the problem actually was. The two columns agree three times in fifty-two years and one of those was a fluke.

Broadcast As sung As written on the work order Actual fault Outcome
Mon 6:10 AM “Cold Water Comin’ Down on Me” (7 min) Resident cold. Check unit heat. A dripping shower head. Wrong. Bled a radiator that was fine.
Tue 9:40 AM “Nobody Fixes the Third Floor Blues” Third floor, unspecified, urgent. The second floor. Wrong. Spent a day on the wrong floor.
Wed 11:02 AM “O Bring Me a Bulb, a Bulb, a Bulb” Replace bulbs, east hallway, all. She wanted the hallway darker. Wrong. Installed fourteen. Removed nine.
Wed 4:15 PM “The Ballad of the Loose Fifth Stair” (waltz) Fifth stair loose, north stairwell. The fifth stair, loose, north stairwell. Correct. Framed. Hangs in the office.
Thu 8:30 AM “Ain’t No Handle on the Door No More” Door handle, Unit 7, replace. A metaphor about the Grounds Committee. Wrong. She kept the handle. It is a nice handle.
Thu 2:00 PM “Smoke on the Fourth Floor” FIRE — FOURTH FLOOR — ALL HANDS There is no fourth floor. Wrong. Ran up three flights into a wall.
Fri 7:55 AM “That Old Refrigerator Hum in D” Fridge humming. Replace compressor. The hum was in E. She was tuning to it. Wrong. Compressor replaced. New hum in F.
Fri 6:20 PM “Sit Down, Brian (Reprise)” Unclear. Possibly a leak. He had been standing since 6 AM. Correct, eventually. He sat down.

Transcription accuracy since 1974: three. She has never once corrected him mid-song. She waits until he has finished the job and then sings about the job.

Selected incidents · Reproduced as filed

Six items from the Unit 7 file

Unit 7 · Complaint filed 9:14 PM

Noise complaint

7-044
Complaint
Eleven minutes of song, after nine
Response
Twenty-six minutes of song
Complainant
Withdrew. Then requested the long one.

Resolution

A complaint was filed about an eleven-minute number. I served the notice under her door at 9:14. At 9:16 the PA came on and she answered the notice, in full, with verses, for twenty-six minutes.

The complainant withdrew the complaint at minute nine and asked for the long version on Sundays. Notice rescinded. I filed the rescission in song too, badly, out loud, once, and never again. — B.

WithdrawnNow scheduled: Sundays, 9 PM

Whole building · 4:02 PM · One time only

The speaking voice

7-000
Date
Once. That is the whole record.
Words spoken
Three
Response time
Forty seconds, twenty-two residents

Resolution

The PA clicked on and she said, in a flat speaking voice, “Brian. Sit down.” Not sung. Spoken. Every door in the building opened at once.

Twenty-two residents were in the lobby in forty seconds. Somebody had already brought the cardigan. I sat down. Then she went back to singing and nobody has mentioned it since. — B.

ClosedRecurrence: none · Preferred: none

Office · Self-filed · Ongoing since 1974

Transcription method

7-TR
Equipment
One ballpoint. One clipboard.
Location
The stairs, usually
Accuracy
3 of approximately 9,000

Resolution

I write down what I hear. What I hear is a chorus. A chorus is not a fault code. I have tried writing the lyrics in full and I have tried writing only the nouns. The nouns are worse.

Management has proposed a form with boxes. Melodie sang about the form. The form did not survive the second verse. — B.

OngoingPen: ballpoint · Surface: a stair

PA · Daily, 4:00 PM · Two-part harmony

The vitals segment

7-BP
Segment
Daily, four o’clock
Content
His blood pressure, sung
Consent obtained
Not sought

Resolution

The Wellness Committee takes my reading at half past three. At four o’clock it goes out over the PA as a two-part harmony with the numbers on the long notes.

I have asked for this to be private. It was made a segment. It has a theme now. The theme is quite good and I hum it. — B.

DailyListenership: the building · Objections: overruled

PA · Thursday 2:00 PM · All hands

The fourth floor

7-104
As transcribed
FIRE — FOURTH FLOOR — ALL HANDS
Floors in this building
Three
Ground covered
Three flights, at speed

Resolution

She sang “Smoke on the Fourth Floor.” I wrote it down on the stairs in capitals, which I do not normally do, and then I ran up every flight there is and arrived at a wall that has been there since 1908 and that I have painted twice.

There was no fire. There is no fourth floor. The number has stayed at four in every verse since, it goes out at two o’clock on Thursdays, and I check the stairwell every single time. — B.

No fireFloors: 3 · Checked anyway: weekly

North stairwell · Wednesday 4:15 PM · Waltz

The one he got right

7-105
As sung
“The Ballad of the Loose Fifth Stair”
As written
Fifth stair loose, north stairwell
Agreement
Total. Once.

Resolution

Three-quarter time, four verses, and the fault was stated plainly in the second one with the stairwell named and the stair numbered. I wrote down exactly what she sang, and for once exactly what she sang was the job.

Stair fixed in eleven minutes. The work order is framed on the office wall at eye height where I can see it from the desk. I have never mentioned that it is up there. She has been in the office many times. — B.

Correct1 of 3 · Framed · Glass, not perspex

Programme log · One Tuesday · Reconstructed from memory and dread

A day on the format

5:58

Sign-on. Two bars of nothing, then the console hum, which she considers part of the arrangement.

6:00

Morning Devotional. Not religious. It is about the boiler. It has been about the boiler since 1974.

6:10

First maintenance request of the day, sung. Management transcribes it on the stairs and gets it wrong before the second verse.

7:30

Weather. The bog gets four verses. The parking lot gets one. There is no forecast, only description, and it is always accurate.

9:00

Requests. Residents slide requests under her door. She sings each one back changed slightly, which everyone prefers.

11:45

Lunch is announced in three-part harmony. Melodie sings all three parts. Nobody has worked out how.

12:00

Management is told to eat. Management is told to eat again at 12:04, in a lower key, which is the serious key.

2:00

The Long Afternoon. One song. It runs until the shadows reach the mailboxes. Length varies by season. In December it is nine minutes. In June it is fifty.

3:30

Wellness Committee takes the property manager’s blood pressure. He says the word “fine.” They take it again.

4:00

Vitals. The reading goes out over the building, in harmony, numbers on the long notes.

6:20

Sit Down, Brian. Nightly. He sits down. It is the shortest number in the format and it has never had to be repeated.

9:00

Sundays only: the long one. Twenty-six minutes. The noise complaint is in the lyrics now, word for word, and the complainant sings along.

2:00

Overnight. The console stays on. If you are awake in this building at two in the morning you are not awake alone, and that is the entire point of the format.

Complaints against the format · Reviewed · No action

Filed, reviewed, sung about

Can the key simply be taken back?

The console has one key. Melodie has it. Management has requested it in writing fifty-one times and has been answered fifty-one times, melodically, at length, to the whole building. The request is on file. So are the answers. The answers are better.

Is the format licensed?

No. It has never been licensed and no application has ever been made. The word “unlicensed” appears in the chorus of the 6 AM devotional, where it scans well.

Why not just ask her what is broken?

Management has asked. The question was received, set, arranged, and performed as a duet in which management’s part is sung by Melodie in an impression of management that the building finds very funny and that management has to admit is close.

Does she ever get the work order wrong on purpose?

The Grounds Committee has asked her directly. She answered in four verses and a bridge and nobody came out of it any wiser. The stair got fixed. It was the fifth stair. It was always the fifth stair.

What happened the time she spoke?

Three words, flat, at two minutes past four. Every door in the building opened. Twenty-two residents were in the lobby in forty seconds and one of them was already carrying a cardigan. Nobody in this building will discuss it and nobody wants it to happen twice.

Statements entered into the record · Two sung, one transcribed

On the record

★★★★★

He gets it wrong. He gets it wrong beautifully, in ballpoint, on a stair, at six in the morning, and then he fixes something else that also needed doing. I have never corrected him mid-song and I never will.

— Melodie, Unit 7 (transcribed by the Bylaws Committee, who are better at it)

★★★★★

I filed the noise complaint. She answered it with a longer song. I withdrew at minute nine. It is now on Sundays and I bring a chair down for it.

— Resident, Unit 12

★★★★★

Four o’clock, harmony, numbers on the long notes. He says he wants it private. He hums it. He hums it in the parking lot. Objection noted, objection overruled, reading is excellent.

— Wellness Committee (nine residents, one folding table)

Annual request for the return of the PA key — 52nd filing

Submitted by management · Received · Set to music · In rotation

Give me back the key, Brian, give me back the key

That is not what I wrote, that is not what I wrote at all

Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

I have filed this request every year since 1975 and every year it comes back with a better hook than I gave it. Request denied. Format continues. Building is never quiet.

If I ever got that key back the place would be silent at two in the morning and I would have to live in it. Filing again next year. — B.

Ashelen Lynn Jennifer Sheela Yanci Kendra All the ladies
Pegged today by — sixty-nine-year-old witches · as of —