Sheela

Resident file · Thistledown Assisted Living · Unit 7, garden side

Sixty-nine. Married. Her husband is named Gerald and he is not allowed in the greenhouse. Chair of the Grounds Committee. Author of the landscaping policy. Sole enforcement authority for the landscaping policy. Only recorded violator of the landscaping policy.

Grounds record — Thistledown, east lot Filed by: Grounds · Grounds is Sheela

9Raised beds. Policy permits two.

41Prize ribbons

1911Year the fair stopped existing

118°Compost, interior, at rest

Facility handbook · Section 9 · Adopted unanimously by its author

The landscaping policy

Thistledown grounds & plantings policy

Drafted by: Sheela · Reviewed by: Sheela · Enforced by: Sheela · Appeals heard by: Sheela

Residents may maintain two raised beds. Not nine.
No plantings taller than the ground-floor windows.
Nothing on the county noxious species list.
Nothing that has been removed from the county noxious species list for being, quote, “outside our remit.”
Greenhouse 2 is not a greenhouse. Greenhouse 2 is not to be described as a greenhouse in any document submitted to any authority.
The property manager shall inspect the grounds quarterly.
The property manager shall knock.

Clause 7 was added in 1994. There is no record of what happened in 1994. There is a record of Brian adding clause 7 himself, in ballpoint, without discussion, and initialling it twice.

Planting inventory · Quarterly inspection · Column five is a formality

What is growing out there

Compiled by Brian on the quarterly walk-through, from the path, at a respectful distance, with Sheela standing behind him the entire time saying nothing.

Inventory of plantings at Thistledown, with legal status
Specimen	Bed	Height	On the county list?	Legal?	Inspector’s note
Bell peppers	1	60 cm	No	Yes	Ordinary peppers. Genuinely just peppers. He records this with enormous relief every quarter.
Rhubarb	1	90 cm	No	Yes	Aggressive but lawful. Has taken bed 1 and is looking at bed 2.
Mint	2	40 cm	No	Yes	Legal. Not advisable. Reached the parking lot in 2004 and has held it since.
“Tomatoes”	3	2.4 m	No	Yes, as tomatoes	Filed as tomatoes. Sheela calls them tomatoes. They are not tomatoes. See below.
Moon carrots	4	Below grade	No	Unclassified	Only harvestable between 1 and 4 AM. The county has no form for this. He checked. He called.
Wolfsbane, ornamental	5	1.1 m	Yes	Grandfathered	Predates the list, the county, and the state. Sheela produced a deed. The deed is in Latin.
Thistle, the original	6	1.6 m	Yes	Named for it	The facility is named after this plant. Removing it would require renaming the facility. Motion failed.
Gooseberries	7	1.2 m	No	Yes	Fine. Delicious. Sheela gives him a bowl every August and stands there until it is finished.
The hedge	—	2.0 m	No	Yes	Legal. Correct. Well maintained. Not where it was. See the survey.
Bed 8	8	—	No	Yes	Empty. Turned every spring. Nothing planted. Sheela says it is resting. It has rested since 1968.
Compost	—	1.4 m	No	Yes	Warm. Warmer than it should be. Warm on the outside, in February, with no sun on it.
Greenhouse 2	—	Undisclosed	Yes	Under review since 1994	Inspection performed from the doorway. He knocks. It is polite and it is also the procedure.

Twelve entries. Two raised beds permitted. Nine raised beds present. Chair of Grounds has reviewed this inventory and returned it marked “fine.”

Quarterly inspection tickets · Filed from the path

Selected findings

Bed 3 · Q3 inspection

The tomatoes

GR-3

Declared as: Tomatoes
Height: 2.4 m and climbing
Fruit: Not tomatoes
Yield: Extremely good

Finding

They are the wrong colour, the wrong shape, and the wrong weight, and one of them turned toward me when I wrote that down.

Sheela says tomatoes. I have written tomatoes on this form for eleven years. I make the sauce with them. The sauce is the best thing I have ever eaten. — B.

Recorded as tomatoesYield: 400 lb · Species: tomatoes

East lot · Q1 inspection · February

The compost

GR-7

Interior temp: 118°F, at rest
Exterior temp: Also warm
Ambient: 21°F. Snowing.
Sun exposure: None. North face.

Finding

Compost is warm. Compost is supposed to be warm. Compost is not supposed to be warm in February on the north face with snow on three sides and none on it.

Sheela says it is working. I asked what it is working on. She said “it’s working, Brian.” I wrote “working” on the form. — B.

WorkingTurned: weekly · By: not him

Greenhouse 2 · Quarterly · From the doorway

Greenhouse 2

GR-2

Contents: On the list
Access: Unlocked. Always unlocked.
Procedure: Knock. Wait. Count to eight.
Since: 1994

Finding

There is something in Greenhouse 2 that is on the county’s list. I am required to inspect it quarterly. I inspect it quarterly. I inspect it from the doorway.

In 1994 I walked in without knocking. I am not going to describe 1994. I knock now. It appreciates the knock. — B.

Under review since 1994Inspections: 128 · Entries: 1

Perimeter · Annual survey · With a tape measure

The hedge

GR-11

Condition: Immaculate
Trimmed by: Nobody. Ever.
Position, 1959: Property line
Position, now: Forty-one metres north

Finding

The hedge has moved forty-one metres in sixty-seven years. That is roughly two feet a year. Nobody has ever seen it happen and I have sat out there.

It is moving toward the road. It is not moving fast. I have decided that whatever it wants from the road, it can have. — B.

MonitoringNext survey: spring

Bed 4 · Q2 inspection · 2:40 AM

The moon carrots

GR-4

Harvest window: 1 AM to 4 AM. Only.
Above grade: Nothing. Ever. No tops.
County classification: None. No column for it.
Taste: Carrots

Finding

Pulled outside the window they come up as ordinary carrots. Pulled inside it they come up as whatever the county has no column for. I telephoned the county about the column. The county put me on hold and then asked me to call back on Monday.

Inspection performed at twenty to three in the morning, in the coat, with Sheela holding the lamp and not saying one word about the hour. — B.

UnclassifiedInspected: 2:40 AM · Lamp: held for him

Bed 8 · Every quarter since 1968

Bed 8

GR-8

Planted: Nothing
Turned: Every spring, by hand, by her
Status: Resting since 1968
Weeds recorded: None, in fifty-eight years

Finding

Eight feet by four of turned soil with nothing in it and nothing on it. She forks it over every spring, rakes it level, and walks away. Nothing has ever come up in bed 8. Things come up in the parking lot. Things come up in the gravel.

I asked her once what it was resting for. She said it was not resting for anything, it was just resting. I wrote “resting” on the form. I have now written “resting” on the form fifty-eight times. — B.

RestingYield: none · Weeds: none · Turned: annually

Boundary survey · Same tape measure since 1959 · Same result every time

Where the hedge is

Recorded positions of the hedge by year
Survey year	Recorded position	Displacement since last	Direction	Explanation offered
1959	On the property line	—	—	None required
1978	4 m north of the line	4 m	North	“Surveyor error.” New surveyor hired.
1994	13 m north	9 m	North	“Settling.” Hedges do not settle.
2011	29 m north	16 m	North	Sheela: “It likes the light better there.”
2026	41 m north, at the ditch	12 m	North, toward the road	Inspector has stopped asking and started waving

The county plat still shows the hedge on the property line. The county plat has been correct exactly once, in 1959.

Awards wall · Potting shed · Forty-one ribbons, one nail

The fair

The Marrow County Agricultural Fair was last held in 1911. It has not been held since. Ribbons continue to arrive.

1874

First entry. First ribbon. Largest Marrow. Judged by four men who have all been dead for a hundred and thirty years and who never disagreed about anything again.

1889

Best in Show. Category: Preserves. She has never entered preserves. The ribbon says Preserves. She kept it.

1902

The fair introduces a rule that no exhibitor may win the same class more than five consecutive years. The rule is called the Sheela Rule in the minutes. She wins a different class.

1911

The last fair. Attendance forty. The grandstand is sold. The field becomes a field. Sheela wins Largest Marrow.

1912

A ribbon arrives in the post. There was no fair. There was no judging. There was no committee. The ribbon says Largest Marrow and it is dated correctly.

1963

Ribbon arrives. Category: Longest Bean. Sheela had not grown beans that year. She grew beans the following year, out of respect.

2019

Brian writes to the county asking whether the Marrow County Agricultural Fair still exists. The county writes back: “No record of such fair.” He frames the letter. It hangs next to the ribbons.

2026

Ribbon number forty-one. Category: Tomatoes. Brian took it out of the mailbox and had to sit down on the step for a minute, holding it, in the rain.

Her side of it · Said over a fence · Not repeated

Sheela, on the inspections

“He knocks now, which I appreciate, and he writes ‘tomatoes’ on the form every year without once asking me to explain myself — so he gets a bowl of gooseberries and he eats every one while I watch.”

— Sheela R., Unit 7, Chair of Grounds

★★★★★

He has inspected my grounds one hundred and twenty-eight times and cited me zero times. This is not favouritism. There is nothing to cite. Everything out there is fine and most of it is legal.

— Sheela R., Unit 7

★★★★★

The boy came out in February in a windbreaker. A windbreaker. In February. I put him in the potting shed with a mug of something and did not let him leave until his colour came back. He was very apologetic about the whole thing.

— Sheela R., Unit 7, again

Care plan · Section 2 · Sheela’s section

Nutrition

The laminated card by the coffee station has five sections. Section 2 belongs to Grounds. Grounds takes section 2 extremely seriously.

THISTLEDOWN — CARE PLAN, SECTION 2

Subject: Brian, property manager, 25 · Section author: Sheela · Reviewed: quarterly · Subject’s input: none sought

Vegetables. Daily. From bed 1 or bed 7. Not bed 3 — bed 3 is for sauce and sauce is not a vegetable.
Gooseberries. August. One bowl. Eaten on the premises, in view of the author.
Outerwear. Subject is not to conduct a February inspection in a windbreaker. There is a coat in the potting shed. It is his coat now. He was not consulted.
Sitting. If subject is grey, subject sits. If subject says he is fine, subject sits anyway.
Sauce. Provided. Quantity: enough. Subject is not to ask what is in it and has never once asked.

Note to other sections: He will do the whole inspection standing up in the cold and then thank you for the tea. Watch for it.

There is a coat in the potting shed with my name on masking tape on the collar. I did not put it there. I have never asked whose coat it was before it was mine. Best jacket I own. — B.

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