Peggin' Witches

Thistledown Assisted Living · Unit 14 · Resident since 1659

Ashelen

Thistledown is the other property Brian manages. It is an assisted living facility. No resident there has ever required assistance of any kind. They are in perfect health, they chair every committee, they hold the thermostat, and they are the reason the property manager eats lunch.

As of this quarter, occupancy in Unit 14 is increasing by one. The cause is documented. The cause is the property manager. He has filed about it eleven times and he is going to file about it again.

Occupancy record — Unit 14 Status: pending formal recognition
+1Occupancy change, unrecognised
900Pages in the amendment packet
1659Year the lease was drafted
0Prior uses of agenda item 9(f)

Facility overview · Twenty-two units · Zero care hours delivered

Thistledown, briefly

Statement of services — Thistledown Assisted Living

Licensed for: assisted living · Assistance actually rendered: none · Direction of care: reversed

Every resident is sixty-nine. Every resident is married. Every husband is named Gerald. Nobody here needs a rail, a reminder, a ramp, or a rest. Management has offered all four and been thanked in the tone people use for a child who has drawn a horse.

Residents run the building. They set the thermostat, chair the committees, keep the bingo economy, hold the PA key, and decide what the property manager is doing on Thursday. Management is informed of Thursday on Thursday.

There is exactly one documented health concern in this building. It belongs to the property manager. It is reviewed quarterly. It is laminated and hung by the mailboxes, where he has to walk past it four times a day.

Care Plan — B. (Management)

Client: the only one · Reviewed: quarterly · Next review: the next quarter, obviously

  • Nutrition. Eats standing up in a hallway. Corrected. A chair has been assigned to him. It has his name on tape.
  • Vitals. Blood pressure taken Tuesdays, and any time he says the word “fine.”
  • Thermal. A cardigan is applied when the bog turns. He does not get a vote on the cardigan.
  • Rest. To be told to sit down at intervals not exceeding ninety minutes.
  • Ladders. No.
  • Q3 addendum. Given the pending occupancy change, the hydration and sitting-down targets are revised upward.

They laminated it. There are four copies. One is in my truck and I did not put it there. — B.

Lease administration · Item 9(f) · First reading since 1659

The occupancy change

This is, start to finish, a filing problem. Everybody involved is delighted. The forms are not.

Notice of change in unit occupancy — Unit 14

Filed by: the secretary · Concerning: the secretary · Received, stamped, read aloud

The lease at Thistledown was drafted in 1659 and has never been rewritten, because rewriting it would mean amending it, and amending it means the packet, and the packet is nine hundred pages.

The packet must be signed on every page in wet ink, in a hand the building recognises. The building recognises exactly one hand. That hand has been filling in this property’s forms since 1659 and it is currently shaking.

The amendment must then be recognised by the HOA, which has been in continuous session since 1659 and has never adjourned. Recognition falls under agenda item 9(f), Recognition of a New Occupant — written into the bylaws at the founding and never once reached.

It has now been reached. The secretary who reads the item aloud is the same secretary who takes the minutes, and the minutes are about him.

I have minuted three hundred and sixty-seven years of meetings. This is the first one where I had to write down my own name in the middle. — B.

Filings · Six of eleven · Reproduced as submitted

The paperwork

Submitted 4:11 PM · Rejected 6:40 PM

Form 22-C

22-C
Author
The secretary
Status
Rejected. Warmly.
Grounds
Form 22-C does not exist

Resolution

The occupancy form has boxes for arriving, departing, subletting, and deceased. There is no box for this. I looked at the form for forty minutes.

So I ruled a new box on the back of a work order and called it 22-C. The chair said the box was well made. Then she rejected it. Then she kept it. — B.

RejectedFiled anyway · Copy retained by chair

Entered 6:24 PM · Circulated by motion

Exhibit 4

EX-4
Nature
One image, greyscale
Entered by
Ashelen, Unit 14
Chain of custody
Broken immediately

Resolution

Entered into evidence as Exhibit 4. Motion to pass it around the table, carried, twenty-one to nothing. Exhibit 4 did not come back.

It is in a frame on the third floor now. I am not going to ask for it. The minutes record eleven seconds of silence and I have no notes on what happened in them. — B.

In evidenceLocation: third floor · Framed

Conference line · Raised twice, then twice more

The cap rate

9(f)-2
Raised by
Agnes Blackthistle, 69 (owner, other property)
Question
“What does this do to the cap rate?”
Ruling
Out of order

Resolution

Agnes dialled in from the bog to ask what an additional occupant does to the cap rate. The chair ruled the question out of order. Agnes asked it again in the same breath.

For the record: it does nothing to the cap rate. Occupancy is not rent. I ran it four ways at two in the morning because I could not sleep. — B.

Out of orderAsked again: yes · Will ask again: yes

Bylaws committee · Nine hundred pages

The amendment packet

AM-1659
Length
900 pages
Signature
Wet ink, every page
Progress
411 of 900

Resolution

Nine hundred pages. Four hundred and eleven done. Pages 300 to 340 are entirely drainage and I signed all of them anyway, because the packet is the packet.

Page 700 has a box that says OCCUPANT, NEW. I have not filled it in yet. I am doing the pages in order. I am doing this correctly. — B.

In progressPen: ballpoint · Hands: shaking

Offered 6:10 PM · Declined 6:12 PM

The recusal

REC-1
Offered by
The chair, formally
Declined
In writing. Two minutes.
Form used
Also invented. Also his.

Resolution

The chair invited me to hand the minutes to somebody else, on the grounds that the item is me. I declined. A declination has to be in writing, and there is no form for declining a recusal, so I ruled one on the reverse of another work order with the same ruler.

It was accepted without comment. Nobody has explained why that form was fine and 22-C was not, and I have not asked, and I am keeping both. — B.

AcceptedForms invented this evening: 2 · Accepted: 1

Raised 6:31 PM · Carried at 6:31 PM

Refreshments

9(g)
Moved by
Gerald, Unit 14
Seconding
A motion nobody had made
Discussion
None. First time since 1659.

Resolution

Gerald asked whether there would be cake. The chair confirmed there would be cake. It is the only item all evening to pass without discussion, and nothing has passed without discussion at this property in three hundred and sixty-seven years.

There is no requisition for cake. I looked for one for longer than I will put in the minutes. So I have ordered it myself, on my own account, in the ordinary way, like a person, and it is the only part of tonight I got right on the first attempt. — B.

CarriedOrdered · Collection: Saturday, 9 AM

Form 22-C — reproduced here, since it does not exist

Ruled by hand on the reverse of a work order · Ballpoint · Rejected 6:40 PM

Occupant arriving (moving in)
Occupant departing
Occupant subletting
Occupant deceased (see 1704 addendum; non-binding here)
Occupant arriving, not moving in, arriving — box added by hand

Unit:  14  · Effective:  in due course  · Prior notice required:  none 

Relationship of filer to the occupancy change:  N/A  the reason 

Rejected. Reason given: no such form. Reason also given: it is a good form.

HOA minutes · Session 1 of 1 · Never adjourned

Minutes of the meeting about him, taken by him

Recorded by the secretary. The secretary is also agenda item 9(f). He was offered a substitute minute-taker and declined in writing.

6:02

Meeting called to order. The meeting has not adjourned since 1659, so this is ceremonial, so we do it anyway.

6:04

Roll. All twenty-two residents present. Secretary present. Secretary is also on the agenda, which the chair notes is “new for us.”

6:09

Chair opens item 9(f), Recognition of a New Occupant. First reading in 367 years. It has been sitting in the bylaws that whole time like a fire axe.

6:11

Secretary asked to read the item aloud. Secretary read the item aloud. Secretary asked to read it again with more air in it. Secretary complied.

6:15

Agnes Blackthistle joins by conference line from the other property and requests the cap rate. Chair rules the cap rate out of order.

6:17

Agnes requests the cap rate. Chair rules the cap rate out of order. Agnes begins keeping her own minutes, which she is not entitled to keep, and which will be better than these.

6:24

Exhibit 4 entered into evidence. Eleven seconds of silence follow. Recorded here as: eleven seconds of silence.

6:26

Motion to circulate Exhibit 4. Carried. Exhibit 4 leaves the table and does not return to the table.

6:31

Gerald (Unit 14) seconds a motion nobody made and asks whether there will be cake. Chair confirms there will be cake. It is the only item all evening to pass without discussion.

6:40

Secretary submits Form 22-C. Form 22-C is rejected on the grounds that Form 22-C does not exist.

6:41

Chair notes for the record that the secretary invented Form 22-C at four o’clock this afternoon, on the back of a work order, with a ruler he keeps in the truck for ruling boxes.

6:42

Chair notes for the record that it is, procedurally, a very good form. Motion to commend the form: carried. Motion to accept the form: failed.

7:05

Ballot on provisional unit assignment; see attached. The unit is assigned before the occupant arrives because that is how the bylaws are written, and the bylaws are not going to change for this.

7:20

Proceedings paused. Secretary told to sit down. Secretary sits down. Cardigan applied. Blood pressure taken.

7:22

Reading entered into the record over the secretary’s objection. Objection also entered into the record. Both overruled by the Wellness Committee, which is nine residents and a folding table.

7:48

Item 9(f) tabled to the next session. The next session is this session. It has never ended. The item will be raised again in roughly four minutes.

8:00

Secretary reads the minutes back. Secretary’s hands are shaking. Recorded, at the chair’s instruction, as: the secretary’s hands are shaking.

8:01

Chair asks whether he would like that struck. Secretary declines. Meeting continues, as ever, forever.

Attachment to item 9(f) · Provisional · Non-binding, allegedly

The vote on the unit assignment

The coven votes on the unit before the occupant arrives. This is not sentiment. This is the bylaws. It is also, obviously, sentiment.

Resident Unit Proposed assignment Vote Stated reason
Ashelen1414AbstainedIt is her unit. She abstained, then said “fourteen” anyway.
Melodie714, adjoining 7AyeSung. Transcribed as “aye.” Ran four minutes.
Lynn314AyeAye, on terms. The terms were not read into the record.
Jennifer1114AyeMoved that the hallway light be fixed first. Fair.
Sheela1914AyeAlready knitting. Has been knitting since March.
Yanci214AyeHolds Exhibit 4. Declines to return Exhibit 4.
Kendra2114, plus the good chairAyeThe good chair was not hers to reassign. Carried anyway.
Agnes Blackthistle2A (other property)—PresentBy conference line. Still wants the cap rate.
Fifteen further residentsVarious14AyeOne voice, in unison, which they rehearsed.
B. (Management)Office—No voteThe secretary has no vote. Wrote “abstain” anyway. Was told you cannot abstain from a thing you cannot do.

Result: Unit 14. Carried, twenty-one to nothing, one abstention, one man holding a clipboard very carefully.

Questions from the floor · Answered by the chair · Entered in full

Points of order

Is the property manager in trouble?

No. He is in paperwork. These are not the same thing, although his face has not been informed. The chair has explained the difference twice and has agreed to explain it again on request, indefinitely.

Why does a lease from 1659 need amending at all?

Because the lease lists its occupants by name, and the occupant list is a closed set. Adding to a closed set is the hardest thing this building has ever been asked to do. Harder than the boiler. The boiler is a cauldron and nobody had to file anything about that.

Who sits on the Bylaws Committee?

Ashelen chairs it and has chaired it since 1659. She wrote item 9(f) at the founding, filed it, and never used it, on the grounds that you never know. She has now used it. She has asked that the record reflect that she was right.

Can the secretary recuse himself from minuting his own agenda item?

He can. He was invited to, formally, by the chair, at 6:10. He declined, formally, in writing, on a form he also had to invent. That form was accepted without comment. Nobody has explained why that one was fine.

Is everybody all right?

Everybody is delighted. Twenty-two residents are delighted. The chair is delighted. Ashelen is delighted and would like the hallway light done first. The property manager is delighted, terrified, and four hundred and eleven pages into nine hundred, in order, correctly, with a good pen.

Statements entered into the record · Unedited

On the record

★★★★★

He filed correctly. He filed correctly eleven times. He ruled a new box on the back of a work order with a ruler he keeps in his truck for ruling boxes. I rejected it. It is in my drawer.

— The chair, Bylaws Committee

★★★★★

I wrote item 9(f) in 1659 because you never know. Three hundred and sixty-seven years later, you know. The hallway light still wants doing, and he will do it, and he will do it standing on the floor and not on a ladder.

— Ashelen, Unit 14

★★★★★

Nine hundred pages, wet ink, in order. He has not skipped the drainage section. Nobody reads the drainage section. He is the only person in this building with a medical file and he is going to be fine, because we have decided that.

— Wellness Committee (nine residents, one folding table)

Secretary’s closing note — item 9(f), continued

Attached to the minutes · Not requested · Not removed

Occupancy in Unit 14 is increasing by one. I am the reason. I have written that on eleven separate forms this week and it has been true every time.

Four hundred and eighty-nine pages to go, then the box on page 700. I am saving the box on page 700 for last, on purpose. — B.

Melodie Lynn Jennifer Sheela Yanci Kendra All the ladies
Pegged today by — sixty-nine-year-old witches · as of —