Personnel annex 004-P · Stimulus & response · Self-filed
Standing Preferences
Ownership did not request this document. Ownership has not read this document. The employee
completed it on the correct form, in triplicate, unprompted, after somebody asked him at a
meeting what he does on his day off, which he does not have.
- Four preferences declared
- Zero withdrawn
- Zero explained satisfactorily
- All four visible from the parking lot
Summary of declared preferences — employee 001
Reviewed by: nobody · Filed anyway
43Wardrobes assembled. Same model. Same man.
0Electrical qualifications held
61Vendor contracts ended. Tents pitched: 61.
367Years available for review. He would like it reviewed.
Preference 1 of 4 · Stimulus: a flat cardboard box · Response: immediate
Flat-pack furniture
The strongest documented response on file. Onset is under four seconds from sighting the box.
There is no known way to interrupt it, and nobody on this property has ever tried.
On his person · Continuous · Since 1974
The allen key
- Size
- 4 mm. Short arm worn shiny.
- Carried
- At all times. All of them.
- Removed
- Never recorded
Statement
Left breast pocket. It fits nine things on this property and one of those nine is the wardrobe. I have been asked once why I carry it. I have never been asked twice.
There is a spare in the truck and a spare taped under the office desk. Neither has been needed. Both get checked on Sundays. — B.
StandingSpares: 2 · Checked: weekly
Hallways, all floors · Ongoing · Unattributed
The hallway boxes
- Boxes found
- Forty-three
- Boxes claimed
- None. Not one.
- Assembled
- Forty-three
Note
A flat box appears in a hallway. Nobody ordered it. Nobody claims it. It is always the same wardrobe and it is always outside a different door.
Twelve tenants and not one of them buys furniture. I have decided not to look into it. I get the key out. — B.
OngoingInvestigations opened: 0
Unclaimed
The office · Evenings · For pleasure
The instructions
- Length
- Fourteen pages, wordless
- Read
- Cover to cover. Twice.
- Read aloud
- Once, 1998, to a bat
Note
There is not one word in them. Fourteen pages, no words, and I understood every page. Somebody sat down and did that on purpose and nobody has ever thanked them.
I read them even when I know the wardrobe. Especially then. That is the good part. — B.
CompletePages skipped: none, ever
Preference 1 · Time trials · Attempts 1 – 43
The same wardrobe, forty-three times
One model: the GRÄTTVIK three-door wardrobe, discontinued 1991, still arriving. Timed
from box-open to door-swing. The leftover-screws column has never been zero, and the
explanation column is entirely his.
Twelve of forty-three shown. The full sheet is in the office, laminated, on a hook, beside a
second hook that is for the pen.
Position paper 11 — on the little wooden dowels
Author: Brian · Circulated: to everybody · Read by: unconfirmed · Length: nine pages
The dowels are load-bearing. They are the only part of the wardrobe doing an honest job
without being asked to, and they are the only part nobody counts.
The instructions call for glue on the dowels. The employee does not use the glue. He has
been asked about the glue at three separate meetings and has given the same answer all
three times, at the same length.
A wardrobe you cannot take apart is a wardrobe you cannot put together again. That is the whole of it. That is the entire argument and it runs to nine pages.
If somebody wants it moved, or turned round, or put somewhere else entirely, I want to be able to do it for them. Twice, if it comes to that. — B.
Preference 2 of 4 · Stimulus: a panel · Response: contained by agreement
He believes he is an A/C electrician
He is not. There is no ambiguity here for anybody except him. The membership resolved in 1991
to keep him away from the panel and to never once say why, and the resolution has held
perfectly for thirty-five years because he believes it is a diary problem.
Not licensed
Not certified
Not trained
Not permitted
Entirely convinced
Certificate of A/C Competency
Issued 1988 · CERT. NO. A/C-001 · Renewed annually by the holder
- Issued to: Brian, 25. Property manager. Employee 001.
- Issued by: Brian, 25. Property manager. Employee 001.
- Awarding body: The Office.
- Accrediting body: The Office, sitting separately, on a Thursday.
- Scope: A/C. All of it. Both of it.
- Expires: No. It is laminated.
Verification: telephone the office. The office will confirm the certificate. The office is
one room, one desk, one telephone and one man, and he answers on the first ring.
I laminated it myself. I laminate everything on this property. This is the only pouch I have ever used on my own paperwork and I would like that on the record. — B.
The office drawer · In service since 1986
The multimeter
- Make
- Unknown. Dial worn smooth.
- Function
- It beeps
- Agreement rate
- 100 per cent, forty years
Note
The multimeter beeps and I agree with it. We have not disagreed once in forty years, which I consider an outstanding record for any working relationship on this property.
It has never been calibrated. It has never asked to be. I keep it in the drawer with the good pens. — B.
StandingBatteries: 3 · Disagreements: 0
Basement B-2 · Beside the cauldron · Door shut
Panel access — scheduling
- Requested
- Since 1991
- Status
- Diary conflict
- Panel opened by him
- Never. Not once.
Note
The panel is behind a door and the door is on the schedule. It has been on the schedule for thirty-five years. Every single time I raise it somebody has a conflict, and it is always a different somebody, which tells you how busy this building is.
It is a scheduling issue. I have offered to be flexible. I have offered every hour there is. — B.
OpenReschedules: 411 · Suspicions: none
Diary
Unit 2C · Porch · Wired 1961
The 2C porch light
- Wired by
- Brian, 25, on a ladder
- Behaviour
- Turns on for people it likes
- Faults found
- None, in sixty-five years
Resolution
The 2C porch light does not come on for everybody. It came on for the meter reader. It comes on for Mildred every night of her life. It has never once come on for the man from the county.
Four electricians have looked at it and all four said there is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing wrong with it. I wired it. I would like that in the file. — B.
Working as intendedComplaints: 0 · Rewire requests: 0
Likes You
Everybody on this property assumed that light was hexed. It was never hexed. It was me, on a
ladder, in 1961, with a certificate I had not got round to writing yet. — B.
County file — extract
Held at the county clerk’s office · File: open · Never actioned · Read aloud to him once, kindly
- 1979. Applicant enquired about A/C certification. Applicant was asked which A/C he meant. Applicant said yes.
- 1988. Applicant returned with a laminated certificate. Certificate examined. Certificate had been issued by the applicant.
- 1996. Applicant asked to be added to the register of A/C contractors. There is no register of A/C contractors. Applicant offered to start one, and to maintain it, and to type it.
- 2011. File flagged. The flag reads, in full: harmless, do not encourage, is very nice about the coffee.
- 2026. Permits issued to date: none. Permits applied for: none. Visits made: forty-one. Coffees taken: forty-one.
The clerk read me the flag once, because I asked her to, and then she said the bit about the coffee twice so that would be the part I took home.
It was the part I took home. — B.
Which A/C he means
He says A/C constantly. Sometimes he means the air conditioning. Sometimes he means
alternating current. He does not distinguish between the two, has never been observed to
need to, and treats any question about which one as a question about scheduling. The
building has no air conditioning. The building has never had air conditioning. He services
it monthly and files a report.
What was agreed, and by whom
Carried 12–0 at the meeting of 1991: nobody goes near the panel; nobody tells him
why; the matter is a diary matter and will remain a diary matter in perpetuity. One member
abstained and then unabstained so the vote would read cleanly in the minutes. He types the
minutes. He typed the word unanimous himself and was pleased with how tidy it
looked on the page.
What he actually does
He switches the multimeter on. He holds it near the thing. It beeps. He agrees with it. He
then writes the matter up, and the write-ups are immaculate — dated, indexed,
cross-referenced, one carbon for the file and one for the tenant. Nothing has been opened.
Nothing has been unscrewed. In sixty-five years the total quantity of wiring he has laid a
hand on is one porch light, and the porch light is delighted.
Preference 3 of 4 · Stimulus: a stranger · Response: warmth, simulated
Pretending to care
Deployed with vendors, contractors, delivery drivers, and anybody under sixty. It is warm, it
is professional, it is entirely hollow, and he can hold it for a full working day without
dropping it once.
Maintenance line · Outbound · Since 1974
The voice — specification
- Register
- Warm. One tone up.
- Content
- None whatsoever
- Sustained maximum
- 6 hr 40 min
Note
It is a voice. I put it on the way you put on a coat. It says absolutely and no problem at all and let me look into that for you, and behind it there is nothing at all, and nobody has ever once heard the gap.
I can hold it for a working day. I have held it for a working day. — B.
StandingFailures: 0 · Detected: never
Office telephone · One Tuesday · 9:20 AM – 4:00 PM
Deployment — the gutter quote
- Subject
- A contractor, 41
- Duration
- 6 hr 40 min, unbroken
- Outcome
- Quote down forty per cent
Resolution
Six hours and forty minutes of warmth. Asked after his back. Asked after the van. Asked after the dog by name, twice, at correct intervals. He rang off saying I was the nicest man he had spoken to all year.
I could not tell you his name. I have it written down. I did not retain it. The dog was Bertie. I retained Bertie. — B.
ClosedSaving: 40% · Name retained: no
Unit 2A · Tuesday · Observed from the landing
Non-deployment — 2A
- Subject
- Agnes Blackthistle, 69
- Voice used
- None. None at all.
- Observed by
- Hesper Tallowmoor (3B)
Note
Hesper says I talk to Agnes differently. Hesper says there is no voice on it. Hesper says I sound like a man who is actually listening to what is being said to him.
I told her she was mistaken. Then I went and did the gutters. I did the gutters for a long time. — B.
DeniedFiled under: mistaken · Reopened: never
Denied
Approved telephone script — vendor contact, revision 12
Written by: Brian · Approved by: Brian · Stage directions: Brian’s · Laminated: yes
-
“Peggin’ Witches, this is Brian, how can I help you today?”
Smile before the first word. It carries down the line. Stand up.
-
“Absolutely — and how has your week been treating you?”
Pause four seconds. Let them answer. Do not listen. Nod anyway.
-
“Oh, I know. I know. That’s the way of it, isn’t it.”
Warmth up two notes. Hold there for the remainder of the call.
-
“Let me look into that for you and come straight back.”
Do not look into anything. It is already known. Wait ninety seconds.
-
“Now — how’s the dog?”
By name. Retrieve name from card. Card is taped to the telephone.
-
“No problem at all. Genuinely. No problem at all.”
Say genuinely. It is the load-bearing word in the script.
-
“You take care of yourself now.”
Hold the warmth until the line clicks. Then put the coat away.
Revision 12. Revisions 1 through 11 are in the drawer. Every one of them is very slightly warmer than the one before it.
The card taped to the telephone has forty names on it and every single one of them is a dog. — B.
1974First recorded deployment. A carpet salesman. Forty minutes of warmth, faultless, no gap anywhere in it. The man left happy. Brian sat down on the office step for a bit afterwards, the way you do after carrying something.
1996A vendor describes him in writing as “a genuinely lovely guy.” Brian files the letter under successful deployment, puts a small tick in the margin, does not think about it again, and still has the letter.
2018Hesper Tallowmoor, from the landing: “You don’t do the voice with us.” Brian: “I do the voice with everyone.” Hesper: “You have never done the voice with me once in your life.” Brian went and did the gutters. It had not rained. The gutters were clean.
2026Standing position, unchanged: he does the voice with everybody. The record does not support this. The record has been read. Nobody has raised it with him again and nobody is going to.
I do the voice with everybody. It is in my file that I do the voice with everybody.
I wrote the file. — B.
Preference 4 of 4 · Procedure 88-C · Mandatory · Non-negotiable
The separation canopy
Whenever a vendor contract is terminated, Brian erects a four-person dome tent on the lawn. He
has done this every single time since 1988. Nobody knows why. This includes Brian, who has
looked into it. It is written into the property’s procedure manual as step 4.
Procedure 88-C — vendor separation
Procedure manual, section 88 · Adopted 1988 · Amended never · Compliance: 61 of 61
- Terminate the contract in writing. Two copies. One goes to the vendor. One is kept, in the drawer, in date order.
- Retrieve the bag from the shed. The bag is marked SEPARATION CANOPY in ballpoint, in his hand, on masking tape, over the previous label.
- Walk to the lawn. The lawn is the strip of grass between the parking lot and the bog. It is the only ground on this property where a tent will stand up.
- Erect the four-person dome tent. Poles first, crossed and seated. Flysheet second. Pegs last — twelve of them, mallet, one firm strike each.
- Run the guy lines out to even tension. Even. This is checked twice, and it has been checked twice sixty-one times.
- Sit in the tent.
- Remain in the tent. No duration is stated in the procedure. No duration has ever needed to be stated.
- Strike the tent. Fold the flysheet along its original creases. Return everything to the shed. Log the pitch time on the sheet on the door.
Note appended by ownership, 1993: the canopy is a required step. Any attempt to conclude a vendor separation without it is out of procedure and will be referred back.
I do not know why I do this. I have genuinely tried to find out. I read the manual and the manual said step 4, and then I remembered that I wrote the manual, which did not help as much as I had wanted it to.
It is step 4. I do step 4. — B.
Canopy kit — inventory, checked every March
- 4Poles. One bent, 1998. Still in service.
- 12Pegs. Nine original. Three recovered from the bog.
- 1Mallet. Rubber. Handle taped in 2002.
- 1Flysheet. Green. Reproofed 2009, by hand.
- 1Groundsheet. Older than the tent. Not discussed.
- 1Carry bag. The tent does not go back into it. It goes back beside it.
The shed · Second shelf · Labelled twice
The bag
- Label
- SEPARATION CANOPY
- Written by
- The employee, in ballpoint
- Previous label
- TENT. Still underneath.
Note
It said TENT for five years, and then the procedure was written and TENT was no longer accurate, so I put tape over it and wrote the correct thing on the tape.
It is the same tent. It is exactly the same tent. But the bag should say what is in it. — B.
LabelledRelabelled: once, 1993
Pole 2 · Bent 1998 · Never replaced
The bent pole
- Bent
- 1998, wind, section three
- Replacement
- Ordered. Arrived. Shelved.
- Wrapper
- Still on it
Note
The replacement pole has been on the shelf in its wrapper for twenty-eight years. The bent one still goes up. It goes up slightly to the left, the tent leans about four degrees, and nobody has ever once complained about the four degrees.
It has gone up sixty-one times bent. I know exactly how it wants to go. — B.
In serviceLean: 4° · Complaints: 0
Open question · Raised 1988 · Never closed
Why
- Investigated by
- Brian
- Findings
- None
- Attempts to skip step 4
- One. 1990.
Note
In 1990 I ended a contract and did not put the tent up, just to see. I got as far as the paperwork. At about four o’clock I went and got the bag and put the tent up and sat in it, and then the day was finished properly and I could go inside.
I do not have a reason. I have a procedure. A procedure is better than a reason because you can follow it. — B.
OpenSince 1988 · Will remain open
Step 4
Procedure 88-C · Pitch log · Sixty-one entries, ten shown
Terminations, with pitch times
Timed from bag-open to final peg. Recorded in pencil on the sheet on the shed door by the only
person present. The times have improved every decade since 1988 and he is entirely aware of it.
Ten of sixty-one shown. One pitch does not appear in this table and has no logged time.
The year it rained — 1996
It rained. It had not rained on a canopy before 1996 and it has not rained on one since. The
contract was a small one: a man who came twice a year to look at the drains, and then stopped
coming to look at the drains, and had to be told so in writing.
The procedure says nothing about weather. There is no clause. Brian did step 6. He sat in the
tent. The rain went on for a day and a half, the guy lines went slack twice, and he went out
and re-tensioned them both times, evenly, because that is step 5.
Some time in the second evening Agnes Blackthistle came down the lawn with a folding chair
under her arm, put it inside the canopy, sat down in it, and did not say one word. She stayed
there until he was ready to strike the tent. Then she carried the pegs back to the shed and
went upstairs, and neither of them has mentioned it since.
It is not written up anywhere. It is the only pitch on this property with no time against it.
The sheet on the shed door has a dash in that row, and the dash is in her handwriting.
Annex 004-P · Corroboration · Collected without asking
Corroborating statements
Gathered by the subject, transcribed by the subject, rated by the subject. The stars are his
ratings of the statements. Nobody was told the statements were being collected.
★★★★★
He built a wardrobe in my hallway that I did not buy and did not want, and it is a better wardrobe than the one I have, and I have kept it.
— Agnes B., Unit 2A · Wardrobe retained. Both wardrobes retained.
★★★★★
Warmest phone manner in the county. Genuinely lovely fella. Asked after my dog by name, twice.
— A gutter contractor, 41 · The dog was Bertie. Bertie was retained.
★★★★☆
He does a voice for the vendors. He has never once done it with me. He says he does. He does not, and I have been listening for eight years.
— Hesper T., Unit 3B · He denies this. Four stars, for the denial.
★★★★★
My porch light likes me. It has liked me since 1961. I have never once had to think about it, which is the entire point of a porch light.
— Mildred Q., Unit 2C · Light: on · Faults: none
★★★★★
Every time we let a company go there is a tent on the lawn before lunch. I have stopped finding it strange. That took about nine years.
— Ethel N., Unit 6D · Year nine: 1997
★★★★★
He is not an electrician. He is a very nice man. Both of those are in the file and both have been in the file a long time.
— A county clerk, 69 · File: open · Coffees: 41
Closing note · Annex 004-P · Returned to sender
Standing preferences — filed
Acknowledgement of receipt
Submitted: Tuesday · Returned: Wednesday · Returned by: unclear · Resubmitted: Wednesday, straighter
The annex was submitted in triplicate to a body that had not asked for it. It came back the
following morning in the same envelope, with no covering letter and nothing crossed out.
One line had been added at the bottom of page one, in pencil, in a hand that eleven members
have individually denied and one member declines to discuss.
The line reads, in full: “All four of these are fine. Keep doing all four.”
The employee has photocopied the line, laminated the photocopy, and filed the original in
the drawer with the good pens. The annex has been resubmitted, unamended, and will be
resubmitted annually for as long as there is an annually.
Four preferences. One wardrobe, forty-three times. One porch light that came out right. One voice, and the people I have never needed it for. And a tent.
Nobody asked me for any of this and I have written it all down anyway, which I am aware is the fifth one. — B.