The Scapegoat

Facilities document 88-SG · Self-authored · Not requested by anyone

A document about the property manager, written by the property manager, filed by the property manager, under the property manager’s name, in the field marked responsible party, which he also filled in.

Filed by: Brian, 25 Subject: Brian, 25 Responsible party: Brian, 25 Copies: Four. Laminated.

Responsibility summary — employee 001 Compiled by: the responsible party

412Filings naming him as the responsible party

0Things he has actually caused

1Goat. Acquired to fix this. Did not.

367Years of hands going up first

Standing procedure · Never adopted · Practised continuously

The hand goes up first

Assignment of the responsible party

Adopted: never · Practised: since 1659 · Objections: eleven, all from ownership

At any meeting where something has gone wrong, the chair asks who is responsible. There is then a pause. The pause is four seconds long. In three hundred and sixty-seven years nobody has ever needed it.

Brian raises his own hand first. He raises it before the question finishes. He has, on nine recorded occasions, raised it before the meeting started, in the corridor, on the way in, holding chairs.

He then signs the incident report. He signs reports for events he was not present for, was not told about, and in two cases had not yet been informed had happened. The record shows him as the responsible party on four hundred and twelve filings. The record shows him as the cause of none of them.

Ownership has attempted to correct this repeatedly. Ownership keeps a file of the attempts. Brian maintains the file, indexes the file, and has laminated the cover of the file, which reads ATTEMPTS TO CORRECT B.

Somebody has to be the one. It may as well be the one who likes it.

I do like it. I would like that in the document, in the part nobody reads, which is all of it. — B.

Schedule A · Responsibility accepted · 1659 to date

Schedule of Things Brian Has Accepted Responsibility For

Seventeen of four hundred and twelve, selected by him, for length. The fourth column is quoted from the filing itself, in his hand, at the bottom, under the printed line that says CAUSE.

Events the property manager has accepted responsibility for, with the party actually responsible
Year	What happened	Actually responsible	Brian’s position
1661	The east gutter left the building during a storm	Weather	“Mine. I should have been holding it.”
1698	Meeting ran nine hours; item 4 was read twice	Prudence Ashgrove (9G)	“I type the agenda. I typed item 4 twice, in 1698, on purpose, somehow.”
1712	The rake	A rake	“I left it out. It was not out. I left it out.”
1743	Kitchen fire, Unit 4B. Casserole survived.	A candle	“That was me. I was at the county at the time and it was still me.”
1801	The boiler, aged 142, stopped	The boiler, aged 142	“I am the one who let it get to 142.”
1804	The mug arrived chipped	The shop it came from	“I chipped it. In transit. From a shop I have never been to.”
1888	Fog. Nine days of it. Indoors.	The bog	“Mine.”
1898	South fence panel down, week one	Scape	“It was me. He is new here.”
1911	Every pipe on the property, at once	Frost	“I had a whole autumn to think about the pipes and I thought about other things.”
1961	A rake, again, and two Geralds	A rake	“I should have found it in 1712. All two hundred and forty-nine of those years were mine.”
1974	Stairwell light out for a decade	Nobody	“I am the one who did not notice it, every day, for a decade, on the stairs.”
1988	Form 22-B(ii) obtained: no. Form 22-B(ii) exists: no.	The county	“I misread a form number that has never existed. I misread it forty-one times.”
1994	The rake was returned. No note.	Nobody	“I would like to be recorded as having returned it, if nobody objects.”
2011	Smoke detector, 1A, 3 AM, nightly since	A bat	“It is me. I set it off from the office. I do not know how. It is me.”
2019	A jam result was appealed	The jam	“I ripened it wrong. In her jar. In her kitchen. From the hall.”
2024	Nine filings missing from the bottom drawer	Scape	“I ate them.”
2026	Power dipped mid-meeting; four minutes of minutes lost	The bog	“Mine. The bog was with me at the time.”

The other three hundred and ninety-five are in the cabinet, in order, by year, then by weather. The drawer sticks. That is also mine. — B.

Scape — running note Scape appears twice in the schedule above. Once as the cause of something. Once as the thing that ate the schedule. He has been cleared of both by the same man, in the same pen.

Ownership file · Attempts to correct the record · Six of many

They have tried

Nobody is making him do this. The membership has, in fact, spent three centuries and a great deal of ink attempting to stop him, and he has out-filed them every single time.

1661

Ownership strikes his name from an incident report. He refiles the same afternoon. The refiling is cleaner, and it has a diagram.

1748

Agnes Blackthistle writes THIS WAS NOT BRIAN across a filing, in blood, at some length. He photocopies it, attaches the photocopy to a fresh filing naming himself, and labels the attachment Exhibit A.

1888

The membership votes 12–0 that the fog was not his doing. He records the vote in the minutes. He then records himself as responsible for the vote.

1961

A rule is introduced: the property manager may not sign for an event he did not attend. He begins attending everything. The rule is repealed inside a year on the grounds that he is now at all of it.

2004

A second responsible-party line is added to the standard form, specifically so that somebody else can be named on it. He fills in both lines. He has filled in both lines every time since, in the same hand, at the same angle.

2026

A motion to make him stop is drafted and not brought. Somebody would have to do the paperwork, and there is exactly one person on this property who does paperwork, and he is very much looking forward to it.

Livestock · One head · On the property since 1898

Scape

In 1898 ownership resolved to acquire a goat, for the specific and minuted purpose of having something on the property that was not Brian to blame. The goat arrived on a Tuesday. The plan failed on the same Tuesday, before lunch.

Livestock file · South paddock · Since 1898

Scape — intake

SCP-1

Species: Goat. Confirmed twice.
Purpose: To be blamed for things
Blamed to date: Never. Not once.

Note

He was brought in to take the blame. He has not taken any of it. I keep getting there first, and I get there fast, and he is a goat and does not run.

He is the best goat this property has had. He is the only goat this property has had. — B.

HousedPurpose: unfulfilled · Fed: twice daily

Work order · South gate · Fourth time this year

Ticket #5,101 — the latch

SCP-2

Reported by: Prudence Ashgrove, 69 (9G)
Cause: Scape. Observed. By four people.
Responsible party: Brian

Resolution

A goat opened the latch. Four tenants watched a goat open the latch and described it afterwards, in detail, with enthusiasm. I have signed the ticket, because I am the one who stands near that latch.

I did not teach him the latch. But I was standing there. — B.

RecurringLatches fitted: 9 · Latches defeated: 9

Records division · Bottom drawer · 2024

Nine filings — missing

SCP-3

Missing: Nine filings
Recovered: Partially. Do not ask.
Condition: Chewed, then chewed again

Note

He ate nine filings. Every one of them named me as the responsible party, so for about nine minutes the record on this property was completely clean and I was nobody.

I retyped all nine that night. It took until four. I was whistling. — B.

RetypedCopies now held: 18

Resolution 1898-G — acquisition of a goat

Moved: Agnes Blackthistle · Seconded: all · Carried 12–0 · Minuted by: Brian

The resolution reads, in full: “That the association acquire one goat, and that henceforth the goat be the one at fault, so that the boy will stop.” The boy did not stop. The boy collected the goat from the county, named him, built him a shelter, and filed the shelter as a defect in his own workmanship.

Scape now has his own maintenance tickets, his own line in the ledger, and his own folder. Every ticket in the folder lists the responsible party as Brian. Scape has eaten four of them.

He is also listed as a dependent on a form that does not have a dependents field. Brian added one. Brian rules the line himself, with a ruler, every year.

He was supposed to take this off me. He has taken nothing off me. He follows me round the paddock while I do the fence and he has no idea he ever had a job.

Best hire this property ever made and I made it. — B.

Form SPR-1 · Standing Preference Request · Submitted 1802

The Standing Preference Request

There is no Form SPR-1. He drew it up, gave it a number, approved it, laminated it, and filed it. It is the only form on this property with a section for feelings, and the section is called SECTION 2.

Form SPR-1 · Section 1 · Applicant

Applicant & declarations

§1

Applicant: Brian, 25
Department: Facilities. Sole member.
Outside commitments: Fridays, 8 PM. Immovable.

Declared interests

I am devoted to the Step-Siblings. I am declaring it in Section 1 so that nobody can say later that I hid it. It is a band. I have never missed a Friday and I am not going to start now.

Please do not schedule anything against eight o’clock. I will still come to the thing. I will just be professionally sad. — B.

DeclaredFridays attended: all of them

Form SPR-1 · Section 2 · Specification

Specification requested

§2

Requested: Witches. Pure. Tree-hugging.
Finish: Earnest. Granola. Militant about compost.
Required behaviour: Hugs trees. With arms. Actually.

Specification

Pure and tree-hugging, and I am not softening the wording. Somebody who will stand in the bog in proper boots and tell me what the bog is called in Latin, at length, while I hold the clipboard and get it down.

This bog is a protected wetland. That is the best sentence in the entire lease. — B.

OpenApplications received: none · Form remains open

Form SPR-1 · Section 3 · Scheduling

Slots requested

§3

Slots: Three. Daily.
Recurrence: Forever
Known conflicts: One. Friday, 8 PM. See §1.

Scheduling

Breakfast, lunch and dinner. On the schedule. Booked in ink, in the book, at the correct times, the same way the boiler is booked.

The boiler gets three visits a day and has never once been pleased to see me. — B.

StandingRecurrence field: forever

Section 3 — daily slots held open since 1802 Booked by: the applicant

07:00Breakfast. He sets two places. He eats one.

12:30Lunch. He packs two. The second comes home.

18:00Dinner. He has been practising for 224 years.

∞Recurrence. The field said “how often.”

Scape — running note Scape ate the first copy of Form SPR-1 in 1904. Brian retyped it that evening, added a section, and thanked him for the review.

Form SPR-1 · Attachments A – E · All laminated

Attachments to the request

Attachments are optional on every other form on this property. On this one they are also optional. There are five.

Photograph of a tree, being hugged

The tree is on the south edge of the bog. The photograph is taken from a distance, on a timer, and the person hugging the tree is not identified anywhere on the form. It is Brian. He is demonstrating the requirement so that there can be no confusion about what the requirement is.

The compost schedule

Four bins. Turned Sundays. He turns all four and he has turned all four since 1802, which means the soil on the south side of this property is, in his own written assessment, “genuinely outstanding.” A second pair of gloves has been drawn onto the schedule, in pencil, hopefully, in the margin.

The protected-species list

Forty-one entries. Laminated. He can do the whole list from memory and has twice offered to at open meeting, and both times he was thanked warmly and asked to sit down, and both times he sat down beaming, because they let him get to eleven.

The setlists, both

Banjo and fiddle, separately, in his hand, cross-referenced by Friday going back to 1712. The margin notes are things like “this is the one where the fiddle comes in late on purpose” and “banjo changes key here and the room does not notice.” The room does not notice. He notices.

One spare shirt

Size unspecified, folded, in the envelope with the form. It is a Step-Siblings shirt. He had two hundred of them made at his own cost and gives them away off a table by the dryers. He does not wear one of those. The one he wears is the one the band gave him, later, without saying anything about it.

Form SPR-1 · Sections: 3 · Attachments: 5 · Signatures required: 1 · Signatures obtained: 1 · Resubmitted annually since 1802 · Never withdrawn

Ruling of the association — item 12,904

“Referred to the property manager for handling.”

He handled it. He acknowledged receipt to himself in writing, thanked the association for its time, and put it back on the agenda for next year.

Standing amenity · Laundry room · Fridays, 8 PM

The Step-Siblings

A rake-based lineage. It has never meant anything else, both Barbs will say so at length if asked, and both Barbs are asked constantly.

The rake lineage

1712 · 1961 · One rake each · No other meaning has ever been advanced

On 4 May 1712, two unrelated women stepped on the same rake at the same instant. The rake came up. Both were struck. Both said the identical word. They have been spiritually fused since, and they have been step-sisters since, because that is what happened.

On 12 October 1961, two Geralds stepped on a rake at the same instant, were both struck, and said the identical word, which was a different word, and a longer one. They are step-brothers. The convention held.

Collectively they are the Step-Siblings. The naming is rake-based. It has never been anything else, and management has confirmed this in writing four times, unprompted, in case anyone was ever unclear.

It is about the rake. It has always been about the rake. — B.

Amenity listing — Fridays, 8 PM

Laundry room · Free · Attendance: everyone · Sound: unexplained

The set is murder ballads with the murders taken out, which leaves weather and regret, plus two numbers written after 1961 that have a washboard in them.

The room seats forty. Brian sets out forty chairs. He has set out forty chairs every Friday since 1712 and has sat in none of them, because he is at the back, standing, holding the mop, mouthing the words.

There is a standing noise complaint filed weekly by all twelve tenants. The complaint is that the band is too good. It is filed, reviewed, and marked no action, by him, warmly, every Monday.

Sixteen thousand three hundred and something Fridays. I have not missed one. I moved a dentist. — B.

Members of the Step-Siblings ensemble, with instrument and rake
Member	Instrument	Rake	Standing	Since
Barb Threshole (7A)	Banjo	The 1712 rake	Founding step-sister	1712
Barb Threshole (7B)	Fiddle	The 1712 rake	Founding step-sister. Not the same Barb. Do not mix them up.	1712
Gerald (2A)	Washboard	The 1961 rake	Step-brother	1961
Gerald (9G)	Spoons	The 1961 rake	Step-brother. Struck harder. Says so often.	1961
Gerald (4F, bog liaison)	Jug	Stepped on a rake alone, 1988	Not a step-anything. Sits in anyway. Nobody minds.	1988
Unit 13	—	—	Attends. Front row. Does not applaud. Pays on the first.	—
Brian	None	Has never stepped on the rake	Not a step-anything. Chairs, mop, and the merchandise table, which is unofficial.	1712

Unofficial · His own cost · Since 1974

The merchandise

SS-1

Shirts made: Two hundred, in batches
Sold: None. Not for sale.
Kept for himself: One. It was a gift.

Note

I had them made. I do not sell them. They go on the table by the dryers and people take them and that is the entire system and it works.

The band has four. I never told them it was me. They know it was me. — B.

Given awayDesign approved by both Barbs, in unison

Memorised · Both · Cross-referenced by Friday

The setlists

SS-2

Setlists held: Both. In full. By heart.
Also written down: Yes. Obviously.
Requests made: Zero, in 314 years

Note

I know what is coming next. Every Friday, all night, I know what is coming next, and I have never once said it out loud, because saying it out loud would be the worst thing a person could do in that room.

I mouth it. From the back. With the mop. — B.

OngoingNights known in advance: all of them

Fridays · 8 PM · Since 4 May 1712

Attendance

SS-3

Fridays available: About sixteen thousand three hundred
Attended: All of them
Missed: None. One dentist moved.

Note

I mop the same four tiles for two hours. There has never been anything on those tiles. I checked once in daylight, on a Saturday, on my knees, to be certain.

Best two hours of the week and it is not close. — B.

Perfect recordNext: Friday · Chairs: 40

Overheard · Transcribed by the subject · Stars are his

Remarks on the arrangement

Collected, dated and filed by the man they are about. The stars are his ratings of the remarks, not the tenants’ ratings of him. A low score means it was too kind.

★★★★★

We have tried to correct the record for three hundred years. There is a file of our attempts. He maintains the file. He has alphabetized our attempts.

— Agnes B., Unit 2A · Owns the building · Filed under: accurate

★★★★★

You cannot say a thing is broken in front of him. He will have signed something before you get to the end of the sentence.

— Prudence A., Unit 9G · Timed it once · Four seconds

★★★★★

The goat opened the gate. Four of us watched the goat open the gate. There is a document saying otherwise and he typed it, and he typed it beautifully.

— Ethel N., Unit 6D · Present · Undefeated in jam

★★☆☆☆

He has done nothing wrong. He has never done anything wrong. Not once, in all this time.

— Beverly W., Unit 3C · Far too kind · He sat in the truck for a bit

★★★★★

He is at the back with the mop every Friday. He knows the set better than we do. We gave him the good shirt and he has not stopped since.

— Barb & Barb T., 7A / 7B · Delivered in unison · Rehearsed

★★★★★

The bog says it was the bog. He has appealed, on the bog’s behalf, against the bog. The appeal is nine pages.

— Cordelia G., Unit 4F · Bog liaison, by marriage

Closing statement · Records division · Item 5, permanently

Statement of the responsible party

Notice regarding responsibility, going forward

Posted by: the responsible party · Objections: eleven · Withdrawn: none

Ownership wishes it recorded, again, that the property manager is not responsible for the fog, the frost, the boiler, the bog, the bat, the goat, the weather, or the rake.

The property manager wishes it recorded, again, immediately underneath, in the same hand, at the same angle, that he is.

The association has resolved to stop having this conversation. The conversation is item 5. It has been item 5 since 1661. He types the agenda.

Nobody is making me do any of this. I want that on the page, because people read documents like this one and worry about the man in them.

Twelve people who need something at all times, one goat, four bins, and a Friday. That is the whole job, and I would not give back an hour of it. — B.

Scape — running note Scape is 128 and has never been blamed for anything. He does not know he was hired. He is in the paddock. He is fine.

The file he lets you see The sealed file The badge The tenants The ladies