Filed by the subject, against the subject, in alphabetical order, because the subject
could not settle on another order and it was bothering him.
AAlphabetization of his own reprimands
One thousand two hundred and four reprimands, filed by tenant, then by duration, then by
tone. The tone index alone took nine years. He did it in the evenings. He did not tell
anyone he was doing it, and then he told everyone he was doing it, at a meeting, with a
handout, and a second handout for the handout.
BThe smaller cake motion
He drafts the motion himself every year and every year it fails. He has also drafted a
version that would pass — different wording, different sponsor, tabled at the right
moment in the agenda. It is in his desk. It has been in his desk since 1802. He has never
submitted it and he never will.
CThe casserole dish
Doreen called his dish “a choice.” He bought a replacement dish that same week.
The replacement dish is still in the box. He brings the criticized dish to every single
function, on purpose, and sets it down where she will see it.
DThe 2C doorbell
He knows exactly why that doorbell rings four seconds early. He fixed it in 1961. It rang
normally for one afternoon, Mildred said “hm,” and he had unfixed it before
dinner. Work order #4465 calls it “the finest doorbell I have ever worked on,”
which is true, and which he made true.
EEmployment — back pay, item 12
Three hundred and twenty-eight years of back pay were approved in principle in 1987 and
have never been approved in practice. He has removed the item from the agenda twice, on
his own initiative, and both times he put it back before the meeting started. It is item
12. It will be item 12 forever. He types the agenda.
FFridays, 8 PM
The Peggin’ Step-Sisters play the laundry room on Fridays at eight. He is always
mysteriously nearby with a mop and a reason. There has never been anything on that floor.
He mops the same four tiles for two hours and then says goodnight to everyone individually,
by name, at the door.
GThe grievance filed against a kindness
See ANX-7. He filed a formal grievance against Cordelia Grimewick for saying thank you.
The grievance was upheld 11–1. The one was Cordelia, who maintains she was
“just being pleasant,” a phrase now struck from the minutes at his request.
HThe hold music
The maintenance line has hold music. He recorded it. It is him, humming, in the stairwell,
in 1974. Nobody has ever mentioned it. He calls the line once a week from the office phone
and puts himself on hold to confirm that it still works.
IInsurance — the transformation claims
Fourteen workplace-injury claims this fiscal year, all denied. He has filed every one of
them incorrectly, deliberately, in a way he could fix in an afternoon. A paid claim would
close the file. A closed file does not get discussed at the meeting. The claims adjuster
is a tenant and she knows precisely what he is doing.
JThe jar of jam
There is one jar of Ethel’s jam under his desk. It has been there since 2019. He does
not eat it. He does not intend to eat it. Occasionally, during a long afternoon, he takes
it out, puts it on the desk, looks at it, and puts it back.
KThe keys
Twelve keys on the ring. He can identify every one of them by weight, in the dark, without
looking, and has been able to since 1663. He looks anyway. Slowly. In front of people.
Turning them over. Sometimes he asks which unit it was again.
LThe laundry room, Thursdays, 7 PM
A support group. He founded it. Membership is one. Minutes are taken, read aloud, and
approved. Full record below.
Index complete. Cross-references: 411. Tabs: 41. Confessions requested by ownership: none.
Confessions provided: all of them, unprompted, in a binder, with a title page.