Peggin' Witches — Est. 1659

Property profile · Parcel 1659-B · Bog-adjacent

Twelve units. Zero vacancies. One guy.

Peggin’ Witches is a twelve-unit garden-style property on the soft edge of a bog. It has been continuously occupied since 1659 by the same women. None of them have aged. All of them are married. Every one of their husbands is named Gerald.

Ledger — year to date Prepared by Brian, badly, in pen

367Consecutive years under management

69Average tenant age, unmoved since 1691

0Vacancies, ever, not once

1Maintenance staff, on call, always

Memorandum to staff

To: All staff (Brian) · From: Ownership (also the tenants) · Re: Boundaries

It has been raised at eleven consecutive meetings that the property manager continues to pursue tenants who are married. Ownership wishes to restate, for the record, that this is discouraged.

Ownership further wishes to note that every affected husband is named Gerald, that the Geralds have collectively hexed the property manager fourteen times this fiscal year, and that the property manager has, on each occasion, filed the resulting transformation as a workplace injury.

He has been a Roomba. He has been a lawn ornament. He has been a 1994 Toyota Corolla, twice, and asked to be again. Ownership is out of ideas. The memo will be read aloud at the next meeting, which began in 1659 and is ongoing.

Read it. Understood it. Respectfully, no. — B.

Filed this week · Three of eleven

Recent work orders

Every job on this property gets a ticket. The form is printed. Brian answers in ballpoint. Nobody has ever audited these and it shows.

Unit 4B · Reported 2:11 PM

Garbage disposal — humming

#4471

Tenant: Doreen Marrowfang, 69
Priority: Emergency
Access: Tenant home. Tenant very home.

Resolution

Disposal was not jammed. Disposal was a door.

Went in 2:14 PM. Came out 2:51 PM. Disposal works great now. I do not know what I did. I do not wish to discuss it. — B.

Closed Parts used: none · Labor: 37 min

Unit 2A · Reported 9:02 AM

Lease renewal — signature dispute

#4472

Tenant: Agnes Blackthistle, 69
Priority: Urgent
Term: 12 months, renewing since 1659

Resolution

Agnes will only sign in blood. Told her blood is fine, we take blood, but she still needs a co-signer and the co-signer has to be alive.

She said “define alive.” Escalating to ownership. Ownership is Agnes. — B.

Open Escalated to: herself

Laundry room · Reported Friday, weekly

Noise complaint — bluegrass

#4473

Tenant: All of them, simultaneously
Priority: Routine
Source: The Peggin’ Step-Sisters

Resolution

Barb and Barb play bluegrass in the laundry room every Friday. They are called the Step-Sisters because in 1712 they stepped on the same rake at the same moment and have been spiritually fused since.

The complaint is that they are too good. This cannot be repaired. I will be attending. — B.

No action Next occurrence: Friday, 8 PM

Read the full ticket log Meet the tenants

Emergency maintenance · Line 1 · 24 / 7 / 367 years

The line is ringing

It is always ringing. Answer it and see who needs him.

Line idle. This has never happened before.

Excerpt · Meeting called to order 1659 · Never adjourned

Selected minutes

The homeowners’ association has been in continuous session for 367 years. Brian took over as secretary because nobody else wanted to and now he cannot leave.

1659

A young man walks into the bog to read a water meter. Meeting is called to order. It is never adjourned. The water meter is never read.

1692

Salem happens. The coven notes for the record that they were in Vermont, that they have receipts, and that they would appreciate it if this stopped coming up at every single meeting.

1712

Barb and Barb step on the same rake at the same instant. The Peggin’ Step-Sisters are formed. First set is played that Friday. Attendance: everyone. Reviews: mixed, then excellent.

1776

Brian is pegged during the signing of an important document. Not that one. A different one. A permit.

1891

First recorded use of the phrase “he cannot get enough” in the official minutes. Motion to strike it from the record. Motion fails 11–1. The one is Brian, and he votes to strike out of politeness, not conviction.

1969

The minutes for this year consist entirely of the number, circled, twice, and the word “nice” in a hand nobody will claim.

1987

The coven discovers property management as a legal structure and immediately adopts it. Brian is retroactively hired for all 328 prior years. He is still owed the back pay. He has stopped asking.

2026

Brian turns 25 for the 367th time on February 5th. Motion to buy a smaller cake. Motion fails. It always fails.

Full minutes & filed grievances

Tenant satisfaction survey · Response rate 100%

What the tenants say

Twelve units. Twelve responses. Every one of them five stars, which is suspicious, and which Brian has decided not to look into.

★★★★★

Prompt. Courteous. Absolutely obliterated. Also he fixed the water heater, which is what I actually called about.

— Agnes B., Unit 2A, resident since 1659

★★★★★

I have been dead since 1704 and this is the most alive I have felt. He caulked my tub. I did not ask him to caulk my tub. It needed it.

— Beverly W., Unit 3C

★★★★★

My husband Gerald turned him into a Roomba for three weeks. He still did the gutters. As a Roomba. I do not know how. Five stars.

— Ethel N., Unit 6D

★★★★★

He says he is 25. He says it every single year, with his whole chest, holding a cake. We let him have it. He has so little.

— Doreen M., Unit 4B

★★★★★

My doorbell rings four seconds before anyone presses it. He came out, confirmed it, wrote it down, and then told me it was the finest doorbell he had ever worked on. He did not fix it. Correct call.

— Mildred Q., Unit 2C, resident since 1661

★★★★★

Three in the morning, every morning, and he answers on the second ring every time. It is a bat. We all know it is a bat. He replaces the battery anyway, out of respect.

— Winifred S., Unit 1A